Absconditus
by thatdrncat
Summary: The story told behind the closed dormitory doors of Welton. NeilTodd
1. Chapter 1

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**'Absconditus'**

_Part 1_

Todd Anderson did not want to be at Welton. In fact, Todd would have rather opened up the door of his father's Cadillac and spilled himself all over the interstate. From the stories his brother told of this place, it was a fantastic school. Difficult, but fun as soon as you made some friends. Then again, this was his brother, Jeffrey Anderson; the star of the family, the Ivy League firstborn with everything going for him. How often would he clap Todd on the shoulder as soon as he knew that Todd had been accepted and gaze into space, mumbling something about being so proud of him and the magnificent times he had at Welton, despite the rigorous studies. Todd actually stopped listening after a while, and only focused on the fact of how uncomfortable he was with his brother's hand on his shoulder. 

It was one of the last places that Todd had in mind when he came to his parents, asking to look for other schools beyond Balincrest. Phillips Exeter was most appealing, but of course his parents would not hear of another school in which he would be nothing less than the Anderson legacy. Todd was not one to complain, even when longing an aggravation was eating him from the inside out. He felt these things, he felt them with a terrible passion that consumed him every time something bothered him immensely, and this happened mostly while he was at home. Yet, when he sat in the pews of the Chapel at Welton, Todd felt that terrible half-nausea which followed through when his mother forced him to stand up and recite the creeds of the school, even though he did not know them; Tradition, Honor Discipline, and Excellence. The young men standing in front of him said these four words with such conviction that Todd's meager attempts to even follow them were drowned out and useless within the seven seconds it took to speak them. Even as he was leaving, he felt like bolting past the his parents out the door, but stayed for fear of embarrassing himself and his parents. Todd always felt as though he did enough of that, anyway. 

"Mr. Anderson," Mr. Nolan had said to him while shaking his hand, "You have some big shoes to fill, young man. Your brother was one of our finest."

While Todd now felt like clenching his teeth and asking this bastard to tell him something that he didn't already know, all he was able to stomach out in his infinite shyness was an inappropriate, "Thank you." Todd kicked himself for that meek response later, but could do nothing about it. First impressions were set, as they always had been, and Todd was now seen as an introverted boy with no spine. At least, that's what he thought. Nolan saw every boy at Welton as the same person; all young, all impressionable, all dangerous if they were led too far gone off the disciplined path which Welton set for them. Yet, Nolan called them as he saw them, and with any legacy to account for, he could recognize a danger if he saw one. Todd Anderson, the brother of the Valedictorian Class of '56, was no threat whatsoever. 

The day had started. After his parents had left, Todd walked around the school, getting a feel for what would be his home for the next two years. It was in a courtyard where the sunlight slowly waned but still managed to illuminate the dying leaves where Todd first met Neil Perry. Despite the lack of light, Neil seemed to be luminescent as he introduced himself to Todd, and he remembered nothing else of the conversation. Neil was unlike anyone he had met before. When Todd finally got to his dorm room after retrieving his luggage, he arrived only to suffer hearing that he was already seen as a stiff by an obnoxious-sounding redhead who was standing in his doorway, presumably speaking to Neil. Todd was upset, but was somewhat used to this title. It wasn't that he was a stiff, though, that bothered him. It was just his self-infruriating ability to have to do everything exactly right- do everything exactly right, or die by the hands of his parents. That was the image he had in his head. 

"Listen," Neil had said quickly, after swallowing a mouth full of laughter, "Don't mind Cameron. He was born with his foot in his mouth. You know what I mean?" he finished with playfully smacking Todd on the back with something, to which he instinctively winced. 

As the next five minutes progressed, Todd became aware of exactly who his roommate was. With people he didn't know asking him for study group, gathering in his room, reporting to him as if he was some sort of benevolent captain. Even the most cocky of the group, a smug-looking young man named Charlie Dalton, seemed to regard Neil as a sort of leader, someone to be reckoned with. Even as he learned the new four pillars of 'Hellton', "Travesty. Decadence. Horror. Excrement." Neil lead them in a quiet orchestral manner, as if conducting their speech and tone. Though he had not the general air of a leader, Neil had this about him, and Todd could recognize that instantly. He could pick these people out of a crowd, he just looked for everything which resembled none of his own qualities. Though his character was undeniable, it was a bit dashed when Neil's father, Mr. Perry, walked through the door and took complete control of the room, taking Neil outside the door. Todd had sprung from his seat when Mr. Perry entered, and was now busying himself with something else on his desk so as not to have to be engaged in some kind of awkward conversation.

"What a hammer," Charlie Dalton said, still perched on Neil's bed across from Todd and staring at the door, the cigarette he had stamped out not a moment before still smoking and burning the hard wood of the floor. 

"I would hate to be in his shoes," the boy called Steven Meeks said, shaking his head and leaning back in his chair.

"Yeah," Knox Overstreet agreed, "I mean, my parents can be tough sometimes, but nothing like Mr. Perry."

They sat for a second of silence before the three boys got up and walked out the door, somehow knowing that Mr. Perry had gone. They were speaking in the hall to Neil, who had a twinge of irritation in his voice when the boys told him to stand up to his father, for once. Todd blocked it out and fiddled with his alarm clock until he was addressed by Meeks for study group, "Todd, you're welcome to join us."

"Thanks." Todd said, briefly looking up as the boys left and Neil came back in, closing the door. He crossed the room behind Todd, who couldn't help but feel a sort of apprehension to even be sitting there with Neil, a young man he had just met but couldn't help but admire. Neil jumped onto his bed and lay there just as Charlie had, and exhaled, closing his eyes. 

"Are your parents ever like that?" he said, and Todd turned to look at him. Neil had his hands folded behind his head, and was looking at Todd through the side of his eye, showing off his profile. For some reason, Todd felt a jolt in his stomach but promptly answered, "Uh, yeah. Sometimes." 

He turned back around and squeezed his eyes shut, feeling like an idiot for no reason in particular. Neil looked up at the ceiling and breathed out again, "I just- I can't- I don't know."

Todd looked back around at him. Neil had his hand over his eyes and was obviously frustrated, and Todd wished that he had something to say to him, but nothing came to mind, so he turned round again and set down him alarm clock. 

"You don't talk much, do you?" Neil said, walking over to the desk and standing by Todd and pushing on his shoulder. Todd looked up and smiled quickly before standing up and saying, "No, not really." 

"Well, that's fine." Neil said, regaining his slight swagger and resuming his post on the radiator, "Just as long as you don't let people take advantage of you. But hey, don't worry about Cameron. Like I said, he has no gift with words." 

Todd sat down on his bed and clicked open his suitcase, which was filled with clothes, all tightly folded as if they had just been taken out of shrink wrap.

"Wow, maybe Cameron was right..." Neil said in a low tone, looking in Todd's suitcase, and then laughing when Todd looked around at him, "Oh, come on. I was joking. Anyway, you should definitely come to study group and get to know the rest of the guys. They may be rough around the edges, but they're great. I'm sure they'll take to you." 

"How do you know?" Todd replied quickly, with a bit of nervous laughter on his tongue, "You've just met me."

Neil looked at him hard for a moment, as if he had just said something amusing, "Well, I can usually tell whether I like people or not when I meet them, and... I like you." These last words Neil said with absolute nonchalance, as if he had preached this sermon to a dozen choirs. Todd was both puzzled and a bit annoyed, but just kept his mouth shut without a second thought about 'Captain Neil'. Little did he know that this would not be the only Captain he would meet within his time at Welton.

Classes at Welton were incomparable with those at Balincrest; never had Todd met so many a-bowtied professor with cable-knit sweaters in variations of the same neutral color that all had bars rammed so firmly in a rather impolite place. Balincrest had been formal, for sure, but nothing like this. With every rule and assignment, Todd could feel his muscles tensing tighter and tighter. As he walked into his English class and took the seat in the upper-left corner, next to the window, so that he could distract himself when he needed to, Todd felt as though if this new teacher was anything like the rest of them he would surely collapse in upon himself. This man, Mr. Keating, had looked normal enough at the Chapel Meeting the day before, but then again the Trig teacher who knocked a point off of final grades for missing homework rather resembled Todd's late grandfather, who would recline on pillows and stroke his cat while telling a much younger Todd entertaining stories about chivalrous days past. It was strange for him to find that Keating was absolutely nothing like any of his other teachers at Welton, but terrified him even more. 

Todd had been avoiding study groups, anyone could see it. Neil would bother him incessantly about it, never letting up, and still Todd was sitting in their dorm room with the words _CARPE DIEM SEIZE THE DAY _scrawled onto his notebook paper. Keating's words were burned into his mind and they would not leave it. The words were especially raking to him because he knew that was something he never did and would never want to do, but also knew that it would be a creed which was to be enforced in Keating's class. He bit down on his pencil, trying and failing to concentrate on his Chemistry book. It was almost lights out, which meant that Neil would be coming back within a few minutes. Todd moved to his bed and began to undress, hurrying so that he would be in his pajamas by the time Neil returned. It was bad enough today, sitting in the boys' locker room. One could not describe how immensely awkward that was for Todd, as he was always the guy to get dressed in the bathroom stall, so rumors were already sprouting up. Todd knew it was really no big deal, but couldn't help but begin to get queasy and blush uncontrollably whenever he was naked or close to it in the vicinity of someone else. He had just gotten on his pajama pants when the door opened and Neil came walking in. 

"Hey," he said, "Knox just got back from the Danburry's. Said he met the girl of his dreams, or something." 

Neil hadn't noticed that when he entered, Todd whipped around so that only his bare back was facing him as he groped on the bed for his night shirt. His face, as predicted, had turned bright red. As he fiddled with the buttons, Neil undressed as well, and Todd turned to see him in the process of the last stages of disrobing. Neil was thin, but not in the way that Meeks was thin. He had sort of a leaner quality to him, as if he was athletic but could not produce any muscle. Todd stopped fiddling with his buttons and climbed into bed, being careful to look anywhere but Neil. Why did he always have to get the roommate that insisted on not wearing underwear to bed?

"Finish your history homework?" Neil asked, making Todd look at him. He paused for a moment, trying to understand what Neil was talking about and then remembering his excuse to not come to study group, "Yeah, I did." 

"You know, I'm in the same class as you," Neil said, with a slight bit of cleverness in his voice, "And I don't remember having any work tonight." There was a pause between them wherein Neil plainly looked on as Todd stared, "Why don't you come to study group instead of shutting yourself up in here?" Neil said finally, "The guys would like you, I'm sure of it."

"I just think there would be too many distractions," Todd exclaimed, somewhat annoyed at the subject, "My parents expect a lot from me, and-"

"And you think my parents don't expect a lot from me?" Neil interrupted, raising his prominent eyebrows, "You saw my father yesterday, for Christ's sake!"

"Yeah, but you don't have a Valedictorian merit scholar's footsteps to follow in, do you?" Todd half-shouted, making another long silence ring through the small room. 

"Okay, listen," Neil said, obviously trying to be patient, "Come tomorrow, just give it a try. If there are too many distractions for you, you don't have to come anymore, alright?" 

Todd thought for a moment, and then nodded. Neil smiled, "Good. 'Night, Todd." He flicked off the latern. 

"Goodnight."

A week had passed, and things had become smoother and more relaxed between Todd and the rest of the boys. Yet he could not get over the feeling he always got when Neil was around him. There was something that drew Todd to him, but he just did not know what it was. Whenever he was near him, which was often, there was a soft buzz going on inside his chest as if a bumblebee had got inside, and only stung him when Neil touched him. It was only when the Dead Poets Society came around that Todd really began to do things he never thought himself capable of. For one thing, he was terrified of being eaten by wolves thanks to the tales of Grandad Anderson, and would have never gone out into the woods to the old Indian cave if Neil had not convinced him to do so. He often ended up doing that. Neil would simply not allow Todd be his uncomfortable introverted self, and that was what intrigued Neil. If there was anything he would do, it would be to change Todd, for the better- help him, as it were. As to what he would change him into, he was not yet sure. 

The night after the class in which Todd was forced to stand up in class and speak his mind about what he really thought of Walt Whitman, the moon was full and its light shone through the window. Both boys were sitting on their beds, facing each other but busied with their work. Todd was reading up on tomorrow's history lesson while Neil, who had already finished it, was staring at the pages of his 'Five Centuries of Verse'. The book looked as though it was ready to fall apart, and the boys of the Dead Poets Society wondered if that had been Keating's doing or if it had been like that long before it became the property of the Dead Poets Society. 

Todd was still unable to unravel the mystery of his attraction to Neil. He had an air of virility about him, but didn't flaunt it as shamelessly as Charlie did. Neil's endearing allure rested in his small gestures and fleeting glances. Todd sometimes could not help but feel as though he was trying to seduce him, but Todd had hoped that the ideas of such things had not reached Welton as they had Balincrest. It was more likely that he was just being paranoid and Neil had accidentally nudged his foot beneath the table, and that he was looking far too much into the fact that Todd's fingers were brushed against by Neil's when he passed him the Latin notes. 

Neil was sitting on his bed and leaning against the wall with Keating's book in his hands. Half of his face was shrouded in the dark, and the shadows played on the folds off his uniform, engulfing his entire right half. Todd briefly looked up from his book work to look at Neil, whose eyes were fixated on the beprosed page. In utter concentration, Neil was entirely still as Todd watched him. It was as though there was nothing else in this world to Neil except the poetry he was taking in. In one definite moment, Neil's dark eyes flashed up and he stared at Todd, who quickly tried to make it seem as though he had been looking at history the entire time. Did Neil know how frighteningly attractive he looked at the moment? Todd cursed himself for even thinking something like that. Another guy... attractive? What the hell was he-

"Todd," Neil was standing over him in an instant, with an expressionless look on his face which Todd could not even begin to hope to read. Todd stared up at him in bewilderment, not knowing what to say or even how to explain himself. In a second, Neil had cupped Todd's face in his hand and, tentatively, kissed him softly. Todd had no idea what was going on or why, but he did not want to stop it. Neil gently bit and tongued Todd's lips, pleading for entrance. Todd was about to part his own lips when he felt his arms limp at his sides, and when he did he pulled Neil down on top of him, deepening the kiss with all the force of Neil's weight. They kissed until they had to come up for air, in which case Neil caught his breath first and began to draw his mouth against Todd's collarbone, moving up to his neck.

"N-Neil?" Todd quietly murmured, tightly holding on to the fabric of Neil's jacket, while feeling an erection growing in his trousers.

"Yes?" Neil replied, obviously feeling the same thing.

"Have you ever done this before?" 

Neil stopped and looked at Todd, then reached for the light while smiling that dangerous but enticing half-grin that shown on his face whenever he discussed Dead Poets business. His hand reached the pullstring and he stared directly into Todd's eyes before simply saying, "No."

_click_

"_Carpe Diem..._"

The darkness surrounded the two boys and the sound of the bedsprings noted that both had their full weight on the bed. Neil pulled Todd's shirttails out of his trousers and pushed up his shirt, kissing the cold, exposed flesh and eliciting a gasp from Todd's swollen mouth, "_Neil,_" he whispered, penetrating the darkness, "_Don't-_"

"_Don't what?_" Neil spoke back, "_Don't do _this"

Todd felt Neil undo his pants and delve his hand deeper, bringing forth another, more _delicious_ gasp. He felt Todd's length and was somewhat impressed before starting to rub him up and down, knowing that with each intake of air Todd was growing a deeper shade of red in the shadows. Though he was getting rather loud, so Neil leaned forward and shut Todd's mouth with his own, eliciting a soft but powerful moan that turned into, "_Don't... stop..._"

And Neil wasn't planning on it. He positioned himself between Todd's legs and thrust with each stroke, and Todd grasped a fistful of Neil's hair as if he would fall off if he let go. Soon, Todd began bucking in rhythm with Neil, until Todd abruptly stopped again and tried a breathless Neil off of him, "_Neil, stop,_" he said, but Neil just went forward again, "_Neil, STOP!_" 

Todd forcefully pushed Neil away, making him bounce against the wall at the head of the bed. In the moonlight, Todd could see the look of shock on his face as he shouted, "What's the matter with you?" 

Todd quickly got off the bed and moved to the wardrobe in the dark. Neil could just see his outline as Todd covered his eyes with one hand and cradled his elbow with the other as he wrapped his arm around himself, hunching his shoulders and slightly facing the wardrobe. 

"I thought you wanted me," Neil said, confused.

"I _do!_" Todd shot back from behind his hand, "It's just... this may be your first time, but it's not mine."

A wave of shock passed over Neil as he rose from the bed towards him, "_What_?" Neil would have never thought in a million years that Todd could be anything else than entirely virginal. Yet, by the way Todd was acting, it was obvious that this was not his doing. 

"Oh gosh, Todd..." Neil walked towards him, carefully, in the dark, "I-I'm sorry, I didn't know-" He found Todd's shoulders and Neil felt him flinch from the contact. Todd quickly turned away from Neil's hands and crossed his arms, pressing his forehead against the drawers. There was pain in his voice as he replied, "There's no way that you could have."

"What happened?" Neil asked, and then cursed himself for it. 

Todd turned quickly so that his back was against the drawers and he was facing Neil. Though he could only see an outline, Todd looked anywhere but where he knew Neil's face was, "Nothing! I'm sorry-" he looked downward and Neil cautiously reached forward to touch his face. Todd slightly flinched again, but quickly relaxed when he remembered where he was, that he was safe. His skin was warm and smooth, and Neil ached for him with every soothing caress. Todd, who had formerly been to Neil the picture of innocence, now had the recognizable cracks of a vase that had been broken but then carefully placed back together. He still did not look at Neil, and his eyes had turned black, clouded with thoughts and memories that were eating him from the inside out. 

"Todd, you can tell me," Neil said softly, moving his hand to Todd's shoulder, "It's alright-"

"It's _not_ alright!" Todd shouted suddenly, pushing Neil's hand away and covering his face with his own, "It will never be alright..." he choked, slurring his words so that they were difficult to understand, "It hurts so badly and it will never go away..." He sunk to the floor, and Neil knelt down beside him, "Gosh, Todd," he said, bringing him into a tight embrace, and repeating himself, "You can tell me..." 

There was a long pause between the two of them until Todd drew in a trembling breath, shaking slightly as he began to speak, "At Balincrest, there was a senior," he began, holding back tears, "He said we were friends, nothing else. And that's how it was. We spent more time together than we did with anyone else, and I think I may have- I don't know... But, we were walking in the campus woods one day when he just suddenly kissed me and shoved me against a tree, and, oh God-"

"Todd, it's okay-"

"H-he was stronger than me. I tried to push him off, but he was so much stronger than I was-" Todd was speaking very rapidly now, "I-I didn't know what was going on until he turned me around and pushed my face into the bark and he _just wouldn't stop_!" 

Both boys tensed at this terrible sound of Todd's grief, and both prayed that no one outside had heard it. Todd let go of the front of Neil's shirt, not knowing that he had been grasping on to it for dear life. 

"That's why I left," he finally said, standing and sniffing to compose himself, "Even though he was graduating, I felt like everyone knew, and almost everybody did." 

"Todd, I'm so sorry." Neil said, and Todd turned around. Neil's face was illuminated fully in the light of the moon, yet Todd was merely a silhouette against the window, "I couldn't even had imagined... Todd, you know I wouldn't have if I had known-"

"Don't." Todd reached forward, briefly touching Neil's shoulder, but Neil caught his hand and wrapped his long fingers around it. Neil's eyes were large and brown and sympathetic, and Todd found himself momentarily lost in them. He moved his other hand to the back of Neil's neck and brought his forehead to his, "Just forget it."

They separated and Todd walked past him, grabbing his toothbrush and opening the door. He stood there and turned, seeing Neil, unmoved, entirely black against the window, the stars outside forming a crown above his head. Then he moved towards his bed, out of the window frame, and anyone walking by would have sworn that Todd was walking out of an empty room. 

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_Quite late, yes, but what do you all think?_


	2. Chapter 2

_Part 2_

The next week nearly passed with hardly a second glance. Life carried on as usual, excluding Keating's classes, of course. The one small mishap which occurred on Wednesday, wherein Neil caught Todd in a short but noticeable gaze. It had been longer than it felt, for sure, because it drew the attention of a few other of the boys, "Hey, lovebirds!" Charlie had called during Chemistry, "I need to get an A on this lab to pass, so please break yourselves from your passionate eye sex."

Neil half-chuckled and looked down at his notebook, oblivious by now to Charlie's ridiculous yet amusing insults, taking down measurements as if nothing had happened. Todd soon did the same, and they carried on the rest of the lab without a word to the other. Meeks and Charlie could feel the tension, but they preferred not to get involved. Meeks had a sort of passive indifference to whatever was going on, and Charlie, though he really wanted to find out, was kicked under the table every time he opened his mouth, and scolded by the teacher whenever he avoided Meeks' foot. Labs were to be carried on with barely any speaking, much like every other class which the boys attended. The exception was Keating's class, wherein the boys were encouraged to speak their opinions on things, though it wasn't exactly a chatty classroom in force of habit, much to Keating's chagrin. Even if it had been, Neil was seated behind Todd, and no young man who had been rapped on the knuckles in grammar school for turning around and talking was ever going to do so in preparatory school.

"And thus, most poets became great by defying that which was acceptable." Keating had said on one particularly dreary afternoon of the kind of day where the weather was so dreadful that one would give anything in the world to curl back up in bed and sleep it away. Todd had been watching the autumn rain falling down among the falling leaves, making them moldy, and Todd was thinking about the spiders in the leaves that had probably made their homes in them and how infuriated they must be that they once had the privilege to sleep in, but were suddenly incredibly wet with their leave-houses falling in on them, and then he had been called back into class by Keating's powerful voice, "For example, Rimbaud. Arthur Rimbaud. A French poet, bit of a Tom Leher of his day, was what could now be considered cynical, but with work entirely truthful to his time. With France in the state it was, it was then considered scandalous to speak about his country in such a way that he did, notably with his poem, 'The Parisian Orgy'," Those who had been half-asleep, daydreaming as Todd had been, or those only vaguely interested in poetry and were far more content with sitting in the back of the class and sketching breasts in the back of their notebooks instantly pricked up their ears, especially the latter, known explicitly as Charlie Dalton.

"Ah, Mr. Dalton, I can see your interest in the title." Keating said with a charming smile, noticing the sudden burst of energy from the young man. The class laughed quietly and Keating continued, "Yet during Rimbaud's time, it would seem indecent of you to feel in such a way, even in France. Things like orgies weren't spoken about... they were certainly done, but never spoken about. And even in the _metaphorical_ sense which Rimbaud uses in 'L'orgie Parisienne'," Some of the class turned back to their daydreams, "It was considered scandalous that anyone, let alone a young man, would choose this for a topic of _poetry_.

"Though France was used to the overtly sexual themes which graced the plays of Molière, the more recent blasphemy and debauchery of de Sade was horribly hushed up. People were frightened of its dangerous and rebellious themes of the philosophy which was represented throughout the Marquis' works, and here they were again, flying from the pen of a young man from Charleville. Though his image of a libertine had not yet been brought forth, it was when Rimbaud captured the attention of another French poet, Paul Verlaine, found him that everything started to go awry.

"Even with the scandals of Oscar Wilde years later, nothing could compare with the scandal between Verlaine and Rimbaud, which Rimbaud made a point of shoving it right into the face of polite society. Yes, yes," Keating broke a bit of his rant to address the puzzled faces throughout the room, "They were a _couple_, and they were both _men._"

There was a buzz of hushed whispers beneath knotted brows, "Disgusting," Cameron hissed under his breath, looking to the notes he had been writing. Todd's heartbeat quickened, and he fought the urge to turn around and look at Neil. He did not know why he wanted to look at him, but risking a glance around he saw Neil's expression. He seemed neither pleased nor bothered, and was watching Keating with a fierce interest which presented the notion that there was nothing else going on around him except for Keating's presentation.

"Verlaine was seemingly not a stranger to such feelings of pederasty, and all Rimbaud was trying to do was to shock the general public. A venture in which he entirely succeeded. So what was it that drove this boy to his outer limits of all known morality to even bend and break the rules that society set for him? It was what we all have within us; the desire to find more, despite what is seen to be acceptable."

On this final note, the bell rang. The boys grabbed their things and rose from their chairs exchanging looks, some confused, some impressed. Todd kept his books clothes to his side, and kept his eyes in the exact direction where Neil was not. Yet, as he brushed past him, he saw Neil quickly grabbing his books and weaving though the desks to Keating's back room, where he had retreated as the boys left. He hadn't any sort of inspiring side note to add at the end of this lecture, and it had been a day where he had not asked any opinion of the boys. Todd supposed, as he watched Neil go into the room without a backward glance beckoning Mr. Keating, that the weather affected the spirits of everyone, somehow. Todd stood for a moment, looking at the empty door frame, wanting to go in and see what Neil and Keating were talking about.

"Hey, Todd!"

Todd bit his lip and turned on his heel to see Charlie, Meeks, Cameron, Pitts and Knox standing at the door, waiting for him, "What's Neil doing?" Knox asked.

"I don't know," Todd responded, "Talking to Keating, I guess."

"Yeah, no shit, Sherlock." Charlie said, even Todd wasn't nearly used to his brash manner of speaking, "Come on! We're going to the library to find Keating's yearbook."

They all walked out into the hallway, and Knox stopped, "Hey, not me," everyone ceased and looked at him, "I've got something to do."

"Oh no," Meeks groaned, "Not that Chris girl, again?"

"You're only hurting yourself, Knox," Cameron said, "She's dating a football, star. 'Practically engaged', you said."

"Gentlemen," Charlie interjected, putting his arms out in a dramatic fashion as if clearing the room with his hands, "Have you listened to nothing that Keating's said? If Knox wants to strive for an unattainable woman," he put his arm around his friend, "Then he should damn well go for it. _Carpe Diem_, right?" Charlie always put unneeded emphasis on the syllables in '_Carpe_', letting the _a_ go a bit longer than any sober ancient Roman would have.

"I'll see you guys later." Knox waved shortly and rushed down the hall, quickly moving out of sight.

"Well, Neil's not coming. Let's go," Charlie said, and moved past the boys to the front of the pack. He always seemed to resume this position whenever Neil wasn't there, Todd noticed, and sort of ruled as what would be regent to a king. When Neil was in the group he was always at the front and in the center, with Charlie at his side. The others seemed to rotate.

"You really shouldn't encourage him like that, Dalton," Cameron said, still slightly annoyed with the subject matter of the previous class, "He's bound to get in trouble, especially messing around with a football captain's girl-"

"Aw, you're just sore because no girls strike their fancies for _you_." Charlie's tone was mocking, as it always was when he talked to Cameron, "Perhaps you're moving a bit in the Verlaine direction and want Knox as your Rimbaud."

"That's _disgusting_, Dalton!" he shouted as they entered the library, eliciting a harsh _Shh! _from the librarian. Cameron recoiled as if he had just been verbally struck and glared at Charlie, continuing in a sharp whisper as they looked through the annuals for Keating's year, "How could you even _say_ that?! I've never even heard of something like that-"

"Never?" Pitts asked, opening one book from the past year, "Come on, even _I've_ heard of that, and my parents are the strictest Episcopalians you'll ever meet."

"Yeah, Cameron, come on," Meeks said bemusedly, "You can't have lived in a boys' school for all of your life and _never_ hear of something like that."

Todd clenched his teeth uncomfortably and busied himself with a random annual he took of the shelf, afraid of what this conversation might lead to.

"Well, of _course_ I've heard of it," Cameron retracted his statement, as he often did when challenged, "But you don't often hear of it _actually _happening, do you?"

"I don't know," Charlie was flipping through an annual with a dangerous smirk on his face, "I've had my suspicions about McAllister for years... Ah, forget it!" Charlie put the book back on its shelf, "I don't even know which year to look at. Let's go to the dorm."

All the boys who had been leaning against the shelf, dejectedly listening to the conversation and pretending to look for the annual followed Charlie's lead. Todd took one last look in the book he was holding and stuck it back on the shelf with the spine projecting out and rushed after the group, which was already halfway out the door.

Neil had not returned until dinner, Keating's annual in hand. It was one of his most admirable qualities, to become familiar with someone even though they had only just met. Neil had certainly done it with Todd, and now he had gone and done the same with Keating, but not exactly in such a brash and lustful fashion as was Todd's experience. While everyone was intrigued by Keating's illustrious write-up in the annual, especially the elusive mention of something called a Dead Poets Society, they were doubly interested in Neil's disappearance behind Keating's door.

"So what was it, Perry?" Charlie, of course, was the first to speak after the scolding of a book at the table, "Playing a _Rimbaud_ to Keating's _Verlaine_?" For all of his bad marks, Charlie could certainly take and put anything into context if he chose to, and do so fairly accurately on most occasions. Yet, thankfully, this was _not _ the case between Neil and Keating, and it would be the last time he was satisfied to use this reference.

"God, no," Neil said, half-laughing in disgust and stabbing at his mashed potatoes then returning to contemplative silence.

This was not to be allowed, as Charlie and the rest of the boys were now even more keenly interested, "Then what _was_ that all about?"

"Dalton!" The supervisor called from across the room, "That's a second warning for you, don't make it three!"

"Yeah, _Dalton_," Neil whispered, smiling. Charlie returned with his nose to his plate, obviously defeated in this round, yet still with the devil in his eye. This was not over. Todd, somehow in the center of the action, looked on helplessly, also eager to know what Neil had been speaking to Keating about. Though he thought of it, Todd knew that he would never be able to pluck up enough courage to ask Neil of it when they returned to their dorm room. He was done with his dinner, a fast eater, so he just put his head to his plate, bowing it in a pseudo-mediative position without even realizing it. It had been the dreariness of the day, he supposed. Yet, in the silence of the cafeteria, Neil watched on his slowly sinking light brown head, hoping that Todd would ask in the dorm room- also that Todd would not fall asleep and land in someone's potatoes.

Todd was in bed, reading as always whenever Neil came back from the showers, and did not even look over the pages at him as he walked in. Neil did not quite know how to take this, as the insecurity which lives within every person always jumps to the conclusion that something is wrong in this situation, and the person in question more often than likely hates the one with such inhibitions. Though, as Neil was an eternal optimist, Neil pushed this thought out of his mind and turned to see that Todd had fallen asleep again, or was faking it. This he couldn't believe, though, because Todd would never deliberately fall asleep with a book on his face. It was almost lights out, about two minutes left, and Neil reached over. Then, an image from a few nights before flashed in front of his eyes. Todd was against the drawers, crying. How was it that people could open up to him so quickly, but Neil could not even tell his father how _he_ felt? The episode between Todd and himself now seemed like it had never happened, and Neil looked upon the memory as if it were a dream, or something he had fantasized in the middle of a class one day when he was really supposed to be taking notes. Yet, Todd was so... fragile, and he had definitely broken. If anything, Todd could be described as a vase that had been knocked over one day by a careless child and then pasted carefully back together so the cracks would never show unless inspected very closely. Neil, whether he believed it had happened or not, had seen those cracks. And in this moment of delirium and thought that had been provoked by the conversation between himself and Keating that afternoon, he could not help but think what kind of cracks he might have, or if they had just been a part of his creation as a vase which would always be enclosed in glass, never to be touched, only admired and praised from mouths which could not hear his screaming through the glass on which he did not dare to bang his fists.

Neil suddenly fell out of his mind as Hager called for lights out, and he remembered that he was not alone. He removed the book from Todd's face, not even reading the title, and setting it next to the heater. Todd looked to be in such peace that Neil almost forgot the usual nervousness which donned the boy's brow whenever he was around other people. When Neil saw him alone, he often snuck a peek into the dorm before entering. Todd would always seem as though he was somewhere else altogether, lost in his own world or wherever his book was leading him. But now, he seemed almost angelic to Neil's sleep-deprived eyes, and Neil longed for the touch of his warm skin against his fingers. He would have told Todd what he spoken to Keating about, if only he had been awake. Neil had no idea what was coming over him, it was something he had never felt before! How he longed to feel Todd's lips against his again, something he could never saw out loud even to himself or on paper because it was_ wrong_. It was just mindless self-indulgence, like his father would have said. Though he knew his father would say much worse about_ this_ subject in particular. In his sadness, Neil began to think that his father was right, that he really _was _being selfish to want such a thing. But then his thoughts returned to Keating and his kind, understanding words. No one had ever spoken to Neil like that, not even his own mother! Could it really be just a phase like Keating said, and what would Todd feel about it? Neil thought that he could never possibly comprehend what emotions might be lying within Todd, the same emotions which caused him to push Neil away that night.

After turning out the light and changing into his clothes in the dark with his back turned to Todd, Neil glanced behind and could have sworn that he saw Todd with his eyes open, and had heard him speak, "Todd?" Neil whispered cautiously, "Todd, are you awake?"

No answer. Yet Neil was compelled to look at him, even as he lay down in his bed. It was the time of night when Neil's bed was entirely in shadow, and the moon shone down directly on Todd, which never seemed to bother him as it did Neil when the position changed. Just as he was about to nod off, somewhere between consciousness and dreaming, Neil thought that he heard Todd's voice, "_Neil..._"

It was a groan, not a whisper, and Neil's eyes shot open to look at Todd, his face refulgent with the light of the moon on his white skin, making him look absolutely astral, and causing Neil to fall asleep with the small glimmer of hope that everything would turn out alright.

The day after that had been unobjectionable, at least the sun had shown its face. It was a beautiful autumn day, yet the boys were kept inside in a fast-flying day. Through Keating's class, all but Todd were teeming with the question of the Dead Poets Society, Todd still wanting to know of the conversation but unwilling to ask. He had slept deeply, but recalled his dream with the vivid tenacity and strain in his chest one gets whenever they see something during the day which reminds them of a nightmare that had the evening before.

Todd himself was not in the dream, but he watched as Neil walked down a path in the woods, humming a tune unbeknownst to Todd. There was nothing unordinary about this dream, until it began to snow. Against the white, crows appeared and swiftly carried Neil, who did not struggle, away. Todd called out to him in his dream, but to no avail.

After the last bell, Todd rushed out of the classroom, knowing that he had to work on Trigonometry homework which would take up most of his evening. Outside, he saw the group huddled around Keating, who was holding some book and laughing. The old annual Charlie had been looking for, no doubt. The bell rang and the boys walked back inside, stopping once or twice before finding their way entirely back in. Todd had no idea what it was about but had a feeling that he would soon, as Neil looked far too excited to keep his words to himself anymore.

The first night of the Dead Poets Society was altogether exciting and exhilarating, and nothing like Todd had ever experienced. He had almost laughed at Pitts' genius of dropping dog biscuits at the feet of the watch spaniel at the end of the hall, and as they all ran through the woods to the old Indian cave, Todd felt the cold night air filling his lungs with a pain and passion which could be expressed through all of the whispers of dead soldiers who froze in the same cold years before. His own breath visible in front of him, Todd turned to see Neil jogging beside him. First Neil smiled, then Todd. The awkwardness was over.

If someone were to ask them, Todd nor Neil would have been able to explain what then happened as the bell rang two in the morning through the campus, accompanied only by the hushed steps of the Dead Poets racing back to their dorm rooms. It was cold, and both their cheeks were flushed pink. The moon was not as full as it had been a few nights ago, but it was still bright enough for the two to see each other through the darkness in the room. Though now, after their breath was caught, the boys were delirious in their own sense of rebellion. It was Todd, not Neil, who reached out first, bringing Neil's fevered brow to his and then pressing their lips together in an obscenely gentle manner. Neil had asked him to go, made sure that he could, and right now Todd could feel nothing but clarity and openness thanks to Neil. But Todd wanted it as it had been last time, before he had to go and mess it all up. Their coats were still on, yet they wore their pajamas beneath them. Neil undid the wooden toggles on Todd's coat while Todd himself took the liberty of deepening the kiss as soon as the opportunity arose. Any inhibitions, any qualms, any precautions were worth shit now, and it was only when they innocently separated that they could smile sleepily at each other before any real peace could be felt in the room. They did not speak of it the next day. Only with quick looks could they truly find confirmation with the other, seemingly noticed only by their benevolent professor, who called Neil to his desk at the end of class.

"Our conversation was useful then, Mr. Perry?" he said warmly, but appropriately constricted, as always, "Everything is sorted out?"

Neil smiled, "Nearly everything."

_Very sorry for this to be short and so late. No excuse can be worthy. _


	3. Chapter 3

**--**

_Part 3_

"'Aquarius'... Hey Meeks, this is us!"

On Saturday afternoons when there was hardly anything to do and all of the homework was finished, not one boy in Welton's dormitory common room could escape from Charlie's monthly astrological profiling. Whenever he was able to sneak out to retrieve his _Playboy_ from his private mailbox, which he had rented out solely for that purpose and without his parents' knowledge, those who did not want to hear their fate simply stayed out of range. In this case, only the members of the Dead Poets Society were left in the room.

"Oh come on, Charlie," Meeks said, looking up from the workings of his makeshift radio, "You really don't believe that stuff, do you?"

"Of course I do," Charlie replied assuredly, sinking comfortably into his chair, "I believe anything _Mr. Hugh Hefner_ tells me to believe. And if it is true that I am a son of Ganymede, then I would be happy for him to be Zeus- purely out of admiration." He added quickly, realizing that he had just pledged himself to be Hugh Hefner's sex slave if ever provoked, "Besides, don't you want to know what the stars have spelled out for you?"

"No, that's all bullshit." Pitts said, holding up the antennae for the radio.

"Oh really?" Charlie said, "Last month it said for Meeks here and me that there would be 'great treasures to be found in the coming days'. Leave it to a Scorpio to entirely disregard the clockwork of the universe."

"Yeah, so?" Cameron chimed in, "What does that crap tell you?"

"Well Cancer face, Meeks found his father's pocket watch in his shoe after looking for it forever-"

"And what about you?" Neil asked, after stretching out on a sofa and looking up from 'Five Centuries of Verse', "What did you find, _son of Ganymede_?"

Charlie disregarded this slight on his grasp of his own mythological allusions and smirked proudly, "I found a girl in town and got laid, which is much more than I can say for you," He playfully tossed a pillow at Neil as the other boys shook their heads, "And look at Knoxious! Sagittarius said that love was in his future all the way back in September, and he's sicker than a dog with it." Charlie gestured towards Knox, who wasn't paying attention and staring out the window, obviously somewhere else entirely, "He's just lucky that girl is an Aries, or she wouldn't even put up with him."

"So what about me?" Neil asked after catching the pillow and setting it on Todd, who had been sitting on the other side of the sofa, causing him to look up from his game of solitaire.

Charlie ruffled the magazine indignantly, "Libra, Libra... Ah!" He pointed at a spot on the page, "'Life-changing opportunities with detrimental results await you this month.'"

"Sounds exciting." A voice from the doorway caused all of the boys to look up to see Keating standing there, causing Meeks and Pitts to hide their radio and Charlie to jump a mile out of his skin and crush his magazine beneath him, all attempting to stand in the presence of an educator, and then allowed to sit with a friendly gesture from Keating as he said, "Some adventure should liven up this place," he looked down at Neil, "For you as well, Mr. Perry?"

Neil smiled, finding some unfounded happiness in the fact that he and his esteemed teacher were both Libras. Though he had no idea what that could entail, he answered dutifully, "Yes, sir."

"You actually believe in this stuff, Mr. Keating?" Charlie asked with veiled excitement at the shining glimmer of hope that he was not entirely alone, also with the relief that he was not about to be penalized for his reading material.

"Well, Mr. Dalton," Keating began, putting his hands in his jacket pockets, "I've always been interested in what was obvious yet could not be explained, but never have put my trust entirely in one thing. Yet, my own experiences with astrology have since compelled me to read the horoscopes, and take whatever precautions necessary should they turn out to be true," He gave the boys a slight nod, "I'll be on the lookout for 'life-changing opportunities this month."

Keating winked and walked out of the doorway. Charlie stared gratifyingly at Meeks, who looked back at him as if to mock his maturity, until Keating poked his head back in, causing Charlie to perk back up, "And Mr. Dalton?Please understand that I have felt your pain in such a case, but as I do have the responsibility of a teacher, I must ask that you leave such materials either at home or beneath your mattress. Yet, I often found that the pillowcase was far more accessible. And do _try_ to cool your Aquarian hunger for mischief." With a knowledgeable smile, Keating finally left the doorway.

After a beat of silence every boy besides Cameron and Charlie, who smugly still looked towards the door, burst out in laughter.

"As a _teacher_, he shouldn't encourage this tripe." Cameron said angrily, moving his things beside him on the table at which he sat, then resting his chin on his hands, "And don't you be trying that pillow thing while your _my_ roommate Dalton."

"Come on, lighten up," Neil scoffed at his stuffiness, then tossing the pillow at him and missing.

"Does he have a response for _everything_?" a dumbfounded Knox asked the room, having returned to earth when Keating entered the scene, "I wouldn't be surprised if he just sat around thinking of questions and then coming up with amazing answers for them."

"No, he's just a 'born speaker'. An 'intellectual giant who is amazing at hiding what cannot be first seen'." Charlie said, pulling the magazine out from under him and dictating to Knox from its crumpled pages, "It's all right here."

Charlie dropped the rag on the low table, sending the cards of Todd's long-forgotten solitaire game flying. Having no inclination to finish the game he started, knowing from the first few cards that it was a lost cause, "Todd picked up the magazine and silently stared at its pages.

"What's up for your sign, Todd?" Charlie asked amiably, not really expecting a response but receiving one nonetheless.

"'Virgo- Someone you care for will make a dangerous decision this month.'" he read, to everyone's surprise, "'Your outlook should be cautious.'"

The room was quiet until Knox, who had taken a new interest in fortune telling since he found from Charlie that Aries was compatible with Sagittarius, said, "That's kind of a lame fortune."

Todd handed it to him, angry with himself that he had read it. He had always been terrified of those things, and yet he thought he could read them and be unaffected. It had started when a lively cousin of his had once told him one that since he was a Pisces he could swim in the lake by their summer house and turn into a fish. Todd swam all day, but never grew gills. Thus began his terrible affair with astrology. But it was things like this that bothered him. Whenever he got up the courage to look at his horoscope, it was almost always bad, and whenever it was it seemed to come true. Todd thought he could mark it down as coincidence, but the possibility was always in the back of his mind. And now that he actually had someone to care for, it was even a more bothersome prospect.

"What, you think that it will say 'YOU WILL SEE CHRIS NAKED TODAY' in big bold letters, Knoxious? I don't think the guys at _Playboy_ are that specific!"

"Shut up, Charlie!"

--

This event did not even occur to Todd when Neil came bounding into their room the next day, telling him of his excitement for being able to try out for a play. Todd was apprehensive, as always, and only wanted to prevent Neil from trouble with his father. Of course, Neil took this as opportunity to find out Todd's true intentions about being one of the Dead Poets. It was only when Neil found poetry in Todd's lap that he knew Todd was not there just to say that he was in. He was there for something else, something Neil would have to let him find out for himself. It was only Todd's unexpected snap of an attitude which showed its head under pressure which kept Neil from leaving Todd _entirely_ alone. Besides, he was never the type to butt out whenever there was something important to be done.

It was strange, this unspoken relationship of theirs. They hardly knew one another, and it often seemed to the other that it was forgotten until they ended up in each other's arms in some nondescript place on the grounds where no one could find them. Yet in class, it was as though nothing at all ever happened. Though they both knew that if anyone were to ever find out, it would mean the trouble of their lives, and Todd had already gone through that once. Perhaps that's why it was never spoken of.

"What do you think will come of this?" Neil asked one day, entirely out of the blue.

Todd, obviously shocked by this impromptu conversation which was bound to dive into something irrevocably deep, looked at Neil in the manner he did at the Captain- scared and unable to speak.

"I- uh," he started, then bowed his head.

"Nevermind," Neil said, turning in his desk to return to his Trigonometry, "It's not important-"

"Neil, it is." Todd's voice suddenly had an air of conviction Neil only heard when he was badgering him about not giving a shit about what Keating said. Neil now moved his entire chair around, forgetting the open textbook on his desk. Todd was serious, he could tell by the contentious quality of his voice as he gazed at him. And then he began to speak.

"I- I don't know what will come of this. I really don't. God, but I could never explain it- I can't explain it!" Todd half-shouted, frustrated with his lack of words to describe what he felt for Neil. He wasn't attracted to any other guys, in fact the thought of any other man made him sick. It was only Neil, but how could he tell him that?

Todd opened his eyes and felt the absence of Neil's hands and forehead, seeing him going back to sit on the chair facing him, "Charlie and the guys, they would never understand. And I know that we couldn't ask them to," Neil said, also struggling to find his words, and pressing the tips of his fingers together the way he did whenever he was nervous, which was not often, "Let alone my father..." he gave a cynical cough of laughter, and looked up at Todd with eyes that were so deep they were almost black, "The truth is, I don't know how to explain it, either. It's just that when I met you, something changed."

Todd sighed and breathed in deeply. He shut his eyes tightly, unbelieving that he could speak the words which were coming out of his mouth, "I feel- I feel like there's a weight inside me. A weight... that's lifted whenever you're around."

Todd kept his eyes closed, afraid of what Neil might say. He had just spoked what was truly in his heart for the second time, the first being forced out of him in Keating's class. There was a pause in the air between them and Todd heard the creak of the wood where Neil was standing and suddenly he felt Neil's hands on his face and his warm forehead against his. He breathed in, keeping his hands posed behind him, pressing his fingers on the wood, tentative to touch Neil lest he break like the promise of a waking dream. Though they both smelled of the soap provided by the school, but Todd could smell something past that; a faint smell of jasmine he thought, but then it went away, and he thought he had imagined it.

" '_If I know what love is,_' " Neil whispered so quietly so that even Todd could barely hear him, " '_It is because of you._' "

Todd scarcely had the time to open his eyes before he felt Neil's clement, soft lips pressed gently against his in a soothing but nonetheless passionate embrace. Neil put one knee up on the side of the chair which Todd was not occupying, and Todd could feel Neil's bangs brush against his cheek. Neil's left hand was cold, as it usually became when he was writing, and he held it down on Todd's in a comfortable restraint. Todd lifted his own hand up to Neil's neck, where he tentatively held his fingertips in Neil's hairline and ran his nails lightly upward. Pushing forward with the foot which was keeping him steady, Neil slightly forced Todd back into his chair. At first, Todd tensed as he usually did, and then relaxed into the chair as he parted his lips to allow Neil in. The chair itself was on two legs, Neil supporting his weight with one hand on the wall and one covering Todd's. There was the sensation that they were about to fall at any moment, and Todd was beyond any inkling of a care.

What they were doing might have been wrong, might have been immoral, might have been able to get them both kicked out of Welton if _anyone_ was to walk through the door, but it felt so damn _good_. And Todd wanted it badly. He slightly pushed forward and slid his hands down Neil's back so as to catch him if he was not really as graceful as he appeared to be during soccer or fencing. Neil landed on both feet, and Todd stood to look into his eyes. The two were invariably the same height, so this was not difficult. Neil noticed a flash in Todd's eyes that he had not seen before, but was nevertheless excited by it. It was something somewhat dangerous, but muted enough so that he knew he was still looking at Todd. Neil moved and pushed the chair up against the doorknob. It was nearly lights-out, anyway, and no one would be disturbing them- not even Todd's past this time, it seemed. Todd had turned out both desk lamps when Neil turned around, and he could hardly see his outline moving toward him in the dark. Todd's warm fingertips burned into the cold flesh of his face, but Neil was always cold and Todd was used to it. They turned in the dark, Neil standing against the wardrobe as Todd roamed his mouth with his tongue, lightly flicking it in places which began to create a moan in the back of Neil's throat.

They moved backward in the darkness, finally finding Neil's bed after a couple of steps on the creaking floor. With Todd on top of him, kissing him with a sensually strident method which seemed to have come out of nowhere, Neil ran his fingers through Todd's tawny hair, grey in the lack of light. Todd pressed his hands down on Neil's shoulders, pinning him with the same agreeable coercion which Neil had just used on him. Yet, as he lowered himself onto Neil, he moved his hands and parted their lips. After a sharp intake of air, both boys sat up on the bed, Neil with a slight advantage which he used to nip gingerly at the sensitive skin of Todd's neck. Todd fell back against the wall at this exhilarating feeling, "_Neil,_" he whispered into the dark, "_Oh God, Neil. Don't stop..._"

Neil felt slightly accomplished to hear Todd say this, given their somewhat recent misunderstanding with these two words, along with the fact that Todd had lifted his shirt out of his pants and was raking longingly at Neil's back. Neil returned to Todd's lips, being sure to return the kiss with the same amount of fortitude Todd had just shown, and how he did. Todd quietly moaned into Neil's mouth as he undid the buttons on his shirt, feeling Neil's hairless chest and running his hands over the smooth skin. Neil pulled the blazer off of Todd's shoulder, wistfully removing both their ties.

"_Lights out!_"

Hager's muffled voice came from the hall, and Todd and Neil froze. Both turned their heads and looked at the secured door, listening to the sound of the boys' feet walking down the hall. They could see shapes moving past against the light, and heard Cameron entering his room across the hall.

"_Oh God, Dalton! What the hell are you doing?!_"

"_Hey, asshole, ever hear of knocking?!_"

The door slammed shut and there was silence save for Hager's final walk down the hall during which he checked under every door to make sure there was no light coming out from under it. The black shadows of Hager's feet stopped at their door, and both Todd and Neil forgot to breathe. He was stopped at the door with his ear pressed against it, listening for any movement. For what was only fifteen seconds seemed like an eternity, and it was not when Hager finally walked away that Neil let out his breath and Todd inhaled, but when the hall light clicked off and the only luminescence which shined through the room was that of the feeble crescent moon outside.

Through the black, Neil could feel Todd looking into his eyes. He rested his cold hand on Todd's neck, where his lips had been, and once again parted Todd's lips and delved into his mouth, making sure that there was hardly anything left to be desired. All the while, Todd had been swiftly removing both of their shirts, and within five minutes they were entirely topless. Todd had his leg bent so that his knee was deliberately grinding against Neil, even though he was beneath him. This was tantalizing to Neil's senses, moving harder against Todd so that he was eventually pinning him down. Todd was not complaining, rather egging him on. Neil took on this silent challenge, pushing Todd's hands up against the wire bed frame, unexpectedly wishing that he had not thrown their ties across the room. Still, Todd pushed against him, until Neil was forced to break away from his lips.

"_Todd,_" he gasped, panting with all of the desire he could not bare to keep hidden, "_I'm going to explode..._"

Without knowing it, he had loosened his grip on Todd, who had quickly brought his hands to Neil's belt, unfastening it with all the fervor that could be seen in his flushed cheeks.

"_What are you doing?_" Neil asked in a hushed tone, instantly feeling stupid for doing so, while Todd deftly removed the belt from its loops. Todd looked up at him, and Neil could partially see his expression in the dark. It was the same expression Todd gave him when he was trying to convince him to leave him alone, only now he was smiling in his characteristically sheepish way.

"_Wouldn't want you to explode..._" Todd whispered, with an air which Neil could not recognize as either mocking or sensual. Neither was common with Todd, so he decided not to question it. Rather, he could not question it for what was about to happen.

Todd's back arched with the beginning thrusts, and Neil felt himself go blind with ecstasy as it continued. There was nothing in the world that could compare with this, and with their bodies wrapped tightly around the other there seemed to be nothing else in the world, anyway. The hollow feeling which normally consumed Todd was gone, and as his own pleasure began to show in itself, he wished that morning would never come. Still, he ached with desire- but for what? Was it the longing to return to him something had been stolen long since, for now it was still his own fulfillment. He still did not know what this meant, but it felt better than anything he had experienced before. Their skin was hot against each other, and he could see Neil biting down on his own lip and looking away. He had forgotten that he was more accustomed to this than he was, and was uncommonly superior in something. He just wished with all his heart that it could have been something else in which he could have the upper hand. Yet Neil moved against him with such fluidity that Todd otherwise could have never guessed that Neil had not done this before. They both found it hard to think, for the unbearable pleasure was overwhelming.

"_Neil, ah..._" Todd moaned with every thrust as Neil tried not groan aloud, as what he was feeling right now could probably wake up the school with more efficiency than a barbaric YAWLP. Suddenly he took in a breath of air that would have choked him if not for the distraction of Todd coming silently at exactly the same time.

They both fell back on the sheets, slightly damp with perspiration, among other things. Both panted with spent energy, yet wanted more than anything else to continue. But their bodies could not comply without destroying the bed. They needed stronger foundations, these two.

Neil ran his fingers through his hair, looking down at the direction where Todd's hastened breathing was coming from, "_Todd..._" he whispered, bending down close to his face. He felt Todd move and climb out of the bed, moving to the wardrobe and toweling himself off, then quickly putting on his pajamas after throwing the towel into the hamper.

"Todd?" Neil asked, confused at why he had left so abruptly. Quickly, Todd turned and kissed Neil, pushing against his lips hard with an almost innocent exuberance before returning to his own bed just as fast. He wrapped the blankets around himself and breathed in deeply, knowing that Neil was staring at him through the darkness.

"_Goodnight, Neil_." He said, facing the wall. There was a beat of silence and Neil answered, in a voice Todd could not read, " 'Night."

There was a creaking and Neil was facing the wall. What had just happened, did he make it up in his mind? His damp sheets said differently.

Across the room, Todd was biting his lip, trying not to cry for a reason he could not fathom.

--

"Hey, Neil!" Spaz said to Neil the next day in Keating's class, "I heard you gasping last night."

Todd froze in his writing, and Keating, unintentionally looked at Todd and then at Neil, overhearing what Spaz had said. Neil swallowed his fear, "Really Spaz? I'm sorry, did I wake you up?"

"No, no," Spaz said, waving his hand, "No, I just wanted to tell you that you could borrow my vaporizer if you have a cold, or something."

Todd sighed silently in relief, returning to his work. And Neil forced a smile to cover the fact that he was shaking on the inside, "Thanks, " he said, "But I think it was only a 24-hour thing."

"Oh, okay."

Neil smiled and turned back to his book, and Keating remembered himself and pretended as though he had never heard anything on the subject, blanking it out of his mind.

All the while, Charlie Dalton watched from the back of the class with a knowing smirk and an interested arch in his characteristic eyebrow.

**--**

_There it is. Your lovely reviews are very much appreciated. _


	4. Chapter 4

**--**

_Part 4_

If anyone at Welton was to say that the Fridays which occupied the fall of 1959 were anything more than uneventful, they would be dirty liars.

The beautiful autumn days were often filled with the laughter of the students on the grounds as soon as classes ended for the week, but these days it was muffled by the walls which tended to surround the separated members of the Society. Though Dead Poets meetings still took place close to every night, the boys hardly saw each other on this, their only free day, off. Since Neil was at play practice for 'A Midsummer Night's Dream' for nearly the entirety of the afternoon, running off as soon as Chapel was over with, the "study group" which took place at the Old Indian Cave on Sundays had recently disbanded. It was temporary, of course, until the play the following week. But it was nonetheless bothersome.

Knox was usually shut away in his room or musing over the possibilities of the girl named Chris who had so enraptured his heart, his emotions, and his mind. Apparently, he had been able to kiss her gently on the forehead the night before, and was now evermore enamored with this girl, who was all but faceless to the rest of the Dead Poets and was only able to be envisioned according to the whimsical praise of Knox. It seemed as if his whole life was now revolving around the party tonight wherein he would see Chris, and nothing or no one else could occupy his thoughts that day, He was a man possessed, and hardly made any sense when he talked. Though all of the other boys laughed and cheered him on, they all felt that same longing within them for someone, anyone. But, of course, they would never come out and say it openly. At such breaks in the conversation, Neil's eyes would meet Todd's until they began to speak again, or until Todd looked away, trying to keep his face from turning red.

Pitts, who had recently gone on a sudden study binge after receiving an urgent call from his father, took this opportunity of peacefulness to bone up on his studies. He was suddenly repossessed with his notion of Yale, and could not bare the fact that his grades were slipping. Meeks was saddened by his lack of an illegal-radio-making-partner-in-crime, and spent most of his time in the library, looking up everything from Alexander the Great to Dutch artists of the sixteenth century. No one knew if it was just the mark of boredom, or an incessant need for information.

Cameron was usually to be found in his room, cranky when people came in looking for Charlie.

"No, I _don't _know where he is!" he would say, with that evident whine of annoyance that would shine through whenever someone is asked the same question five times during the course of a day, "Go find him yourself!"

The truth was, no one ever knew where Charlie went on Sundays. It all was based on whom one asked. A person in the recreation room may tell you that he just left, or a person in the courtyard might say that he's been lurking around the grounds all day with a worn paperback copy of 'Don Juan' or some other book of Byrons' hanging out of his back pocket. Charlie had kept his infatuation with this poet under wraps, but was suddenly very open about his admiration for such historical libertines. It was only when there was some mention of a scandalous historical figure in European History class that he actually raised his head and payed attention. He took advice from Byron's Don Juan, but idolized Louis XV for his command of Madame de Pompadour and later for Madame du Barry while later quietly mocking his grandson, Louis XVI, for his infertility and inability to consummate his marriage to the 'foxy' Marie Antoinette.

"That's how I'm going to be," he said to Neil and Todd walking out of class one day after a vigorous lecture on his favorite French monarch, Louis XV, "Ladies at the beginning of my life right up until the very end."

Though other figures in history sparked his interest as well; Alexander the Great, Frederick II of Prussia, and any other character who was pegged for their escapades with either men or women, though Charlie usually had to find out about the men in some of his heroes lives himself.

On some very rare occasions, he could be found in the school newspaper printing room, actually doing something productive. Though the most common answer (this was the default answer of those who really had no idea) was that he had gone into town to pick up some girls. This was usually the truth, but not at tea time. No, Charlie was a prowler, which meant that his ventures towards the fairer sex were always performed in the evening, and never the afternoon.

On this particular day, it was cold and grey, a sign of the coming winter. Todd had finished all of his work, and was enjoying himself by walking through the woods. The other Dead Poets were all occupied, and he didn't even think of asking anyone if Charlie was around. He did not know him that well, and Todd with his overwhelming shyness could not bear to ask people where he was let alone actually ask him if he wanted to go for a walk. The truth was, Charlie scared him a bit. He was close friends with Neil, that was evident, and was almost always the most vibrant in the group, so he really couldn't be _that _bad. Nothing seemed to intimidate him, and he had the sort of wealthy attitude that almost everyone at Balincrest seemed to emulate, even though many of them were not that wealthy to begin with. But Todd knew that Charlie had money coming out of his ears, which was the exact reason why he really didn't care about anything.

The further Todd walked from the school, the more intimate his thoughts became. He never thought about himself and Neil while in class, and when the thought came into his head he forced himself to push it out. In the back of his mind, Todd was always afraid that what he thought in his head was reflected on his face, which was only the case when he was terrified of something. Furthermore, Todd was always wary of the possibility that someone around him could read his mind. Of course he would never confess this to anyone and felt stupid for even considering it, but his impressionable mind once fell victim to the merciless enticement of the new television on one visit to his uncle's house in Vermont. On the nights where the adults had fallen asleep, either from actual fatigue or an alcohol-induced slumber, Todd would sneak downstairs with his brother and cousins, and watch a particularly unique show called 'The Twilight Zone'. In such an episode, a girl was able to read people's minds, and it eventually drove her insane. Though Todd was not afraid of going mad, he was now afraid that people could actually read his mind. Again, it was a fear which he would never admit.

The air was cold, and the skin around Todd's nostrils was raw though the sun shone down upon his light hair. He delved his bare hands into his pockets as he crunched through the leaves. The woods were different in the daylight; far less mysterious and a different place altogether. Todd had set out to find the cave, but it seemed almost impossible in such an ironically unfamiliar setting. He had walked through the woods, gone through the grove, and had nearly fallen into the river crossing it. Now, where was the cave?

"Hey, Anderson! Are you lost?"

Charlie's voice came from behind Todd and he spun around, startled by the sudden noise, snagging his foot on the root of a nearby and toppling backward into the twigs and dead leaves. With a thud he hit the ground and dizzily looked up to see Charlie laughing and walking down the hill. Todd steadied himself up and rubbed his backside, which he soon found had hit a rock.

"What are you doing out here?" Charlie asked as his voice winded down from the laugh. He offered the hand which was not holding a cigarette to Todd, who took it and hoisted himself upward. Charlie returned his cigarette to his lips and sucked on it, watching Todd brush the leaves off his coat and waiting for an answer.

"Just... walking." Todd said hurriedly, pulling a pine needle out of his hair, "What about you?"

"Eh, just killing time." Charlie replied, blowing out the smoke, "Were you looking for the cave?"

"Yeah-" Todd put his hands back in his pockets, feeling the cold again and wondering how Charlie was so impervious to it with his open coat and nothing but a plain cotton shirt under it in contrast to his wool pants. The black beret on his head was obviously not there to provide warmth, either.

"It's just over there," he pointed behind Todd, "I was on my way there, myself. Thought I would _reflect_ a bit," he smirked and they began to walk.

There was noting particularly nefarious about the way Charlie acted or even spoke, it was just the plain fact that Todd could never tell if his tone was mocking, or merely dramatic, as his manner usually was. Todd and Charlie soon made it to the cave, and Charlie said not a word, letting the cigarette hang out of his mouth while the smell of the white smoke fell into Todd's face. Charlie's characteristic smirk was now crooked in a frown. Todd didn't know whether or not this was his effort to keep the cigarette in his mouth, or if he was just thinking very hard about something.

They sat down among the stones, and Charlie turned on his side to look at Todd, who was tensely poising himself in an uncomfortable position and jumped when Charlie asked, "How's your ass?"

Todd stuttered a bit, forgetting the understandable basis on which this question was asked, until Charlie went further into the obvious, "That looked like a pretty hard fall, never mind how hilarious it was."

Todd was relieved; his backside had hurt somewhat before, but the fall was even more jarring to it than it normally should have been.

"Oh, it's fine now." he lied, daring a look at Charlie, whose steadfast leer had returned and was now somehow making sweat glisten on the back of Todd's neck. Something wasn't right- Todd had the distinct feeling that he was being scrutinized, and he was. Charlie looked him up and down with those dark eyes which could never be classified as either benevolent, benign, or anywhere in between. After a few moments of this, Todd broke the silence which was plaguing him as Charlie surveyed every aspect of his person.

"What is it?" Todd's voice was somewhat harsh, just so he could let Charlie know that he was annoyed. It did not phase him though, as Charlie sat up and looked at him closer.

"Look," he said in mid-stare, stopping only to raise an eyebrow and clear his throat a bit, "There's something I want to ask you. Usually I would just go right ahead and ask, but in this particularly sensitive case I feel like it would go against my normally charming personality to expect an answer."

His cigarette had gone out, and the sweat on the back of Todd's neck stung, freezing to the tiny hairs as Charlie rummaged through his pockets for another, "But, it just has to be asked." he paused, finding the pack finally and drawing a match, putting another pause in the flow of one-sided conversation. But Todd was slowing growing more nervous and impatient. What did he _want_?

"Well, what is it?"

The question came out of his mouth more forcefully than he would have liked, and Charlie looked up a little surprised. Nonetheless, he continued, "Well, I'm not incarcerated in Welton in hopes of becoming a lawyer like Knox, so I won't sugarcoat the question, which really is none of my business..."

It was surprising that Charlie had no Italian background whatsoever, the way he used his hands while speaking. The charm of his silver tongue also questioned as to whyin the hell Charlie _wasn't_ looking to find a profession in law. Yet another pause broke the string of conversation, and Todd's patience was running out.

"So?!" People would be surprised to know how short Todd's fuse had really been cut after the previous year. He was just a master of concealing it.

At this rather unprecedented outburst of fretfulness in Todd's demand, Charlie raised his eyebrows and prolonged the moment a bit longer by snuffing out his cigarette on one of the rocks. He then pressed his fingers together, and looked Todd right in the eyes. The unabashed, all-knowing expression which plagued Todd's control was ever-present when he finally asked, "Are you and Neil messing around? You know, in the way of Verlaine and Rimbaud?"

Todd's heart fell in his chest and his supreme annoyance was replaced by a wave of dread and fear. There was no room for second-guessing of meaning when Charlie Dalton asked a question, and this was obviously more self-explanatory than some of the barely vague questions Charlie asked when he was trying to be poetic. Todd felt the sudden urge to be sick all over the stones; it was over. Himself, Neil- all over. They would be expelled and Neil's dad would send him to military school and neither of them would ever again see the other. Todd didn't even want to think of what his parents might do to them if they found out something like this was happening again.

"I-I, uh," Suddenly Todd's heart was out of his stomach and in his throat, "We- we... Oh, shit."

He kept looking back and forth at Charlie, trying not to absorb his questioning gaze as he tried to figure out what Todd was saying through his stuttering. Suddenly a brilliant smile broke onto Charlie's face, and ended in an astounded scoff.

"Holy shit!" he shouted, thumping Todd on the back and laughing, "You two really are screwing around! Hah!" Charlie furrowed his brow and took his hat off, chewing on his knuckle with the hat bunched in his hand and simultaneously crooking his leg against the stone next to him with his sneakered foot. He stared off into the distance for minute, rapidly changing his expression and looking back at Todd, whose own eyes were now transfixed on Charlie in utter confusion. What did this mean? Was he going to rat on them? He seemed more flabbergasted than disgusted, but Todd never really was a good judge of how people were feeling.

"Please," Todd said pleadingly, not caring about his dignity anymore, "Don't tell anyone."

Charlie stopped pondering whatever he had been turning over in his head and stared at Todd with all the seriousness as when he had asked the question, only now there was no trace of a smile on his face which brought even more attention to his eyebrows when he raised them and asked incredulously, "Do I look like Cameron to you?" Todd gaped at him, hoping with all his sanity for the words that Charlie was about to say, "Look, I'm not going to tell anyone."

Todd breathed out and his heart was back in the right place, but beating very rapidly. He felt like weeping with relief, but thankfully no tears came to his eyes. That would not have helped him at all.

"Thanks," he said, this being the only word he could get out at the time.

"Don't worry about it," Charlie said, waving his hat at Todd in a reassuring swoop, "Guys do stuff like that around here all the time. You really think we could survive in high school by just beating off?"

Todd looked at him, "Have you ever-"

"Eh, no. I found out early once adolescence struck that that was _definitely_ not my thing. But if you want to, you go right ahead. I'm not going to fink on either of you." Charlie lounged back on the rocks, and put his hat back on, resting his head on his arms.

"You know," Todd said quietly, putting his foot up on a rock and directing Charlie's attention back to him, "It's not really my thing either."

"What do you mean?" asked Charlie, now a bit more than amusedly befuddled.

"I mean, it's only with Neil." Todd replied quietly, feeling stupid.

"Huh," Charlie nodded and turned his head back in the direction of his feet, so that Todd could see his profile, "That's funny."

"What is?"

"That's exactly what Neil said about you."

Todd was dumbstruck, "You already asked Neil?" he half-shouted, not knowing why he was angry, "So why did you have to ask me?!"

"Well, Neil's known me long enough so that he knows how gullible I actually am," Charlie swung his legs around so that he was once again looking at Todd straight-on, "So I just had to make sure that he wasn't screwing with me," he smirked and Todd could feel his face tightening.

"Well, he wasn't." Todd confirmed indefinitely. He was bothered, but he knew he really had no reason to be angry with Neil. Todd knew that Charlie was not the type to go to Nolan, or any school official for that matter, to address him about _anything _let alone something like this. It was true, he wasn't Cameron. Todd guessed that he was only aggravated because Neil had told Charlie about it without letting him know first. Reasonably, it was as much Neil's secret as it was his, but that didn't compensate for almost blowing everything.

"No, I didn't expect him to," Charlie was interested in this, and was not backing down. It was obvious that Todd didn't want to talk about it, but that wasn't something that was going to thwart Charlie in his quest for information, "Neil's never really been in a relationship, with a girl, that is. Not a real relationship, anyway," Charlie almost drifted away in his reflection, but quickly returned, "It's just... He's serious about this. And he's frightened of it, I can tell."

"Frightened?" Todd asked, "Frightened of what?"

"Well, I don't think it's really my place to say," Charlie looked as uncomfortable as he could ever look, which was not quite uncomfortable, and stood, "But I think he's not just in it for the sex. But that's just my opinion. It's up to you if you want to find that out."

Charlie ducked to exit the cave, and Todd stopped him, wanting to hear more but not wanting to ask about it, "Where are you going?"

Todd hoped Charlie would stay longer and explain himself more, but he turned in mid-duck and said, "Printing room. Unfortunately, there's proofing to do and I have something to add to the school paper."

"But- what made you ask Neil?" This was a question that had been itching at Todd's mind but was spoken before he had fully processed it.

"Come on, I know you were listening to Neil and Spaz, too," Charlie replied, a bemused look on his face, "'Gasping'? Neil's never had allergies as long as he's been here. Also, I hardly ever see either of you before lights out anymore, _and_ if you two thought you could hide those passionate side glances from me you were completely wrong."

Once again, he turned to leave but wheeled himself around, "One last thing; hide your hickeys better," he reached out and tugged at Todd's scarf, "These will only work through winter, and teachers pick up on it when the only bruises from soccer and crew are on your neck. Besides, we can't wear them in class."

"Are you the only one who knows about this?" Todd asked with a sudden jolt of panic.

"Yeah," Charlie said, "It's not something I would just bring up with the guys, so don't worry about it. They would never believe me, anyway." With a final smirk, he walked out. As Todd heard Charlie's confident footsteps crunch away into the distance, Todd had a fleeting desire as he listened that he too had exercised the right not to walk during Keating's class the other day. Todd then felt a surge of relief when he realized that he had just believed that he and Neil were finished, and in with a sick laugh he thought of the irony of his 'guardian angel' actually being Charlie Dalton. Todd checked his watch- 4:37. Neil got out at five o' clock, and if Todd walked quickly he could get to Henley Hall to meet him.

He stood and his ankles cracked, and Todd could feel his quick heartbeat beginning to slow. When he ducked to leave the cave, the sudden picture of Pitts slamming his head on the ceiling and he shook his head in quiet laughter. It was brighter in the oncoming twilight than it had been when Todd and Charlie had entered the cave. His eyes were adjusting when he heard, "Hey, Todd."

Todd turned and he was blinded by the falling sun, not seeing the hand which reached out and gruffly pulled him forward by his scarf. Todd fell off his feet and collapsed onto lips which he automatically knew were Charlie's due to the immediate taste of smoke in his mouth. Todd tried to push away, but he was at an awkward angle with slippery leaves beneath his feet and Charlie was not letting go. His lips were soft in the way Neil's were, and they were pressed tightly against Todd's as Neil's had been. Yet Todd soon steadied himself against the wall and pushed Charlie off, "What are you doing?!"

Charlie looked angry for a second, but then put his hands in his coat pockets and leaned his head back, "Sorry about that," he sighed, "Just interested in what it would feel like, in contrast to a girl. Carpe Diem, you know?"

Todd wiped at his lips instinctively, disgusted, "So why didn't you try Neil, instead?"

Charlie swung his head around, "I did. He reacted the same way you did, only he gave me this," Charlie turned and pointed at his jaw. It was a small scrape, accompanied by a bruise which had already turned purple.

"It's funny, though," Charlie continued, staring Todd with that mirthless gaze, "He laughed afterward. See you later, Anderson."

Charlie purposefully walked off behind the cave, and Todd wondered how he had been able to sneak up on him like that. And he had thought that his life would was going to be more quiet at Welton... and what a strange birthday he had had today.

It was too late to meet Neil now, and Todd sighed and shook himself to try and relieve himself of the cold which gripped him. The sun was going down fast, and he had no idea where he was in the woods. Along with fears of telepathy, Todd was also frightened of the dark.

"Charlie!" he shouted, running after his friend, who stopped and turned, "Wait up!"

Charlie was merely a black figure against the setting sun, a figure ominous only to those who could recognize it. But Todd did not notice.

"So," Charlie said after a moment of walking, "How was I?"

Todd laughed, but didn't answer.

"No, really!" Charlie's voice echoed through the forest, accompanied by Todd's continuing laughter.

Todd never knew that such a disappointing birthday present such as a duplicate desk set could make for such evening amusement.

Meeks was passing by when Todd picked up the package, and upon seeing the inside he was careful to be resourceful, as always, "Well," he said, adjusting his glasses, "At least you don't have to worry about running out of supplies, right?"

Meeks would always be rational, and that was why Todd liked him.

Neil had returned, finding Todd atop the roof, who was staring at the shrink-wrapped office supplies in a rather depressing manner. Thus became the conceiving of the idea and action of the world's first unmanned flying desk set.

"Why didn't you tell me it was your birthday?" Neil asked Todd as they were walking through the courtyard, stray bits of stationery still being carried around by small gusts of wind.

Todd's lungs were still aching from when Charlie had asked his opinion of his kissing, and when he threw the desk off the roof there was nothing Todd could do except hold the laughter in lest his lungs explode. He turned his head and looked at Neil, who was staring at him with the same ever-attentive eyes which were always questioning.

"Um, I don't know," Todd said honestly, rubbing the back of his head, "I suppose it's not really that big of a deal."

"Your _birthday's _not a big deal to you?" Neil asked, raising his eyebrows. This was a far more dramatic expression than when Charlie raised his eyebrows, for Neil's were certainly more prominent.

"No, not really," Todd continued, cursing himself for forgetting his coat as he rubbed his arms for circulation, "It was when I was younger, but not so much anymore."

Neil made a small 'humph', and Todd was not sure whether or not he had heard it or not. By the time they made it to the dormitories ahead, his ears were still stinging from the cold.

"Hey, Todd," Meeks said, smiling, having watched the entire scene from the common room window along with Pitts, "Where's your desk set?"

He and Pitts, who had been sitting with and playing a game of chess, burst into laughter along with Neil. Todd hardly cracked a shy grin, though, as for the next two hours he could barely hear anything. Todd could not have heard Neil if he had been screaming at him.

**--**

_Sorry this has been so late-in-the-making. Hope you enjoyed it. Expect a maximum of two more, which will be longer and more prompt. _

_And YOU! Yes, you! Those who have made alerts but no reviews; thank you for alerting, but please review. It will honestly help these come out much faster when I have the fuel of your reviews running in my brain. _


	5. Chapter 5

**--**

_Part 5_

Within the cave at one o' clock in the morning, Todd's ears were still sore from the prolonged exposure to the freezing night air. The fact that the heater in his and Neil's dorm room was practically defective did not help, considering the room was always a brisk 70° no matter the temperature outside. It would be fine in summer, but for now Todd slept with some rather strange earmuffs Meeks had leant him, which were white with plaids of red and blue. He wore them most of the time, until class came around and he was forced to take them off, although the classrooms were colder than the dormitories. Having never seen them before, Charlie laughed uproariously at the weird-looking earmuffs one Dead Poets meeting the night of the infamous 'Flight of the Desk Set', which had now quickly become a private joke between Neil, Todd, Pitts and Meeks.

"Where the _hell_ did those ridiculous things come from?" Charlie asked after his fatigue-induced bout of laughter.

"My mother sent them," Meeks had said offhandedly, tossing them on Todd's lap, "I don't really use them."

As was characterized by Meeks' pink skin, he was always warm. Everyone envied him in this but it was only his roommate who benefited from it, as he was the first to steal the blanket Meeks would throw off while he was sleeping, being too hot to stand that much fabric.

Unfortunately, Neil was the roommate who was always cold, despite his many blankets and the fact that he slept with his socks on as well as his mittens. Neil would never admit it, but whenever Todd felt his hand on his own skin it sent a chill through him that was more often than not of the erotic kind. Neil was an icicle in all places but a few, and it was quite a sensation when Todd would sometimes wake up to feel Neil beside him on nights when the cold was particularly unbearable.

The first time this happened, in normal alarmed reflex, Todd asked, "What are you doing?"

Most of Neil's face was covered by the green felt blanket, and Todd could only barely see his half-asleep yet wide eyes in the dark. He felt Neil slip his freezing arms around his torso, sliding under his shirt and pulling Todd closer. It was only when Todd felt Neil's cold cheek against his collarbone that Neil mumbled sleepily and in a muffled voice, crisp air even coming out of his mouth, "_Stealing your warmth..._"

Todd, who was hardly in a mood to deal with this the night before an exam, pushed Neil onto the floor where he fell with a thud. Neil did not remember it the next day, and was quite confused when he found a large bruise on his side. Todd laughed quietly behind his hand, but was far more kind the next time Neil came to steal his body heat, allowing him to at least stay. Neil was always rather persuasive, but then again Todd often found it difficult to say no to anyone.

That night, he just lay there with Neil's long arms wrapped around him, thinking of the first time they had gone further than a fumbling kiss in the dark. Todd would have never thought he would be where he was, for he flinched when anyone else so much as touched him in class or in the hall. Even the other members of the Dead Poets Society made him start when they thumped him on the back in the manner boys often do to one another, but there he was with Neil's cold hands against his flesh beneath the striped cotton pajama top. And then Todd remembered how he fought the urge to weep, and could not even think of what might have caused it. Yet, when he replayed it in his mind's eye, all he could feel was a deep pit in his chest which was filled with black, and it was spreading. Todd knew that, in the back of his mind, it could never be like this again. He didn't even know if he and Neil would be roommates next year. That would be great, but it was something they would probably have to work for. For the past two years, Welton had been switching boys into different rooms each year. A new policy to ensure that all of the young men in the class knew their fellow pupils. According to Cameron, that wasn't the only reason.

"I'm telling you, it's true!" He had exclaimed one night at a meeting after being met with a bout of laughter, "Hager caught Don Carlson and Nathaniel MacMillan going at it last year in their room!"

"Nathaniel _MacMillan_?" Pitts inquired disbelievingly, "No way. He was Captain of the soccer team when we were in our first year of the upper school, right?"

"Yeah," Charlie added with a furrowed brow. He knew it was all true; in fact he had heard it straight from the lips of Don Carlson as an eavesdropping first year, yet he stared hard at Cameron while he spoke to the rest of the guys, "That's complete shit, don't believe a word of it."

At that, Cameron just stared, aghast, for he had been the one accompanying Charlie while eavesdropping after Phys Ed that one spring afternoon. Todd just laughed when Neil explained the whole story later, as he had also known about the whole affair. But it did make him worry about what might entail through the next year. The two of them had already nearly been caught more than once, having to either dart behind a bookshelf in the school library or having Neil or Todd, depending on the situation, sit with pillows on their laps while the other pretended to have been gazing out a window or have been reading a rather thick textbook for the extent of the time they had been sitting. When that hungry need gripped one of them, it was all the other could do but find the place in which to perform, and that they did.

Every morning for the past week, Neil awoke early and left Todd's bed to return to his freezing sheets. Todd knew that this was a precaution to someone walking in and seeing them in the same bed. Though nearly every heater in Welton was insufficient at its purpose, most guys would never sleep in the same bed with another guy. It was just a rule among those who were not so hotly afflicted with the passion which drove Neil and Todd to their shadowed indecencies. Neil began to do this the day after a student _had _walked in on them, and luckily it had only been Charlie, who had nearly shut the door on Knox's nose when he tried to peer in to see what Charlie was all of a sudden staring at with a panicked expression.

"Though I'm keeping this secret of yours," he had said later to the two, walking back in front of the rest of the Dead Poets the night's meeting, leaving his pair of female escorts behind, "You seriously shouldn't take risks like that unless you want _everyone _to find out about it, and I don't think you do."

"Alright, alright," Neil was exasperated and embarrassed. He had fallen out of bed when he saw Charlie standing over Todd and himself that morning, and was angry as hell when he hit the floor but calmed himself down. Todd had said nothing, but was quite bothered. He did not like Charlie knowing about himself and Neil in the slightest bit, but was grateful to him for not telling anyone. Overall, they were both somewhat demoralized; one knows that one's actions are folly when Charlie Dalton must step in to lecture. Neil was angry that night at Charlie, not only for publishing an article in the school paper in the name of the Dead Poets, but for Charlie's sheer hypocrisy of telling _them_ to be careful while Charlie went right ahead and brought girls to the Society's meetings. Todd had not told Neil that Charlie had also kissed him that day, and realized that he did not want to bring up the subject.

Perhaps one of the reasons Todd felt this pain was guilt; guilt because he knew that he was doing something wrong that would more than soundly punished if it was ever found out by anyone who could not handle the information without handing it over to Nolan. He was constantly afraid that something would go wrong and whatever it was that he and Neil shared would be gone in an instant. This fear was building up inside him, and he for some unknown reason felt as though his time spent with Neil was growing ever-shorter, and one morning a day before the eve of the opening night of 'Midsummer' when he awoke and suddenly felt the absence of Neil beside him, Todd sat up suddenly and pulled Neil back onto himself.

"_Todd?_" Neil had whispered, half-asleep and confused with every color from him gone in the pale grey light of the oncoming dawn, "_What's wrong?_"

Again, Todd could feel and barely see Neil's dark brown eyes gazing at him, and Todd soundlessly pressed his lips, barely parted, against Neil's, closing his own somber eyes. Todd moved and quietly pushed Neil to the wall, holding him close carefully so that there would not be a bump heard on the other side of the wall, and so that their lips would not disconnect. Todd could feel Neil holding back a gasp as Todd kissed his collarbone, and then the sensitive skin of his neck. Todd stopped and rested his hand against the back of Neil's neck, Neil already falling asleep again, and he buried his nose in Neil's hair. It smelled of the same soap that his did, but he still knew it was Neil in his arms. At that moment, the guilt, the secrecy, it all meant nothing to Todd. Within their small dorm room was a sanctuary, comforting in its darkness where Neil and Todd could conceal themselves from the world. At night, there was nothing beyond those walls and all was hidden.

_Absconditus_...

Todd stared down at the word in his Latin textbook that morning, seeming to read it over and over again in his tired state. Todd had never slept well, not since Balincrest, and Neil hardly helped him to sleep. There was an exam today, and Todd was teetering back and forth on the bench at breakfast while trying to cram an extra few vocabulary words into his brain. He kept picking up his toast with strawberry jam, moving to take a bite, and then setting it back down again. He wasn't all that hungry, but he knew that if he did not eat something the exam would make his stomach nervous and he would become sick.

"You had better eat that, Anderson," Knox said, pointing to the toast and mildly startling Todd, "There's a shortage of perfectly toasted toast around here, and if you don't eat that, I will." Knox tapped on his charred ash of a piece of toast and Pitts swiped it, crunching on the blackened bread merrily while Meeks and Cameron made faces of identical disgust while Neil laughed sleepily. Knox was acting strange; after he was invited to the party at the Danburys', he had grown anxious and hostile at times, while at others he sank into a euphoria which no one could break him from. When he was feeling hostile, it was best to just humor him lest he start to break down. Even though the party had taken place two nights before, Knox was in the worst state yet with an unattractive purple bruise under his eye, and Todd was too tired to make any effort to bother with him.

"Here," he pushed the plate towards Knox, who looked down at it with slight astonishment, "Take it. I'm not hungry."

"Really?" Knox grabbed it and stuffed the toast in his mouth, "Thanks!"

Todd muttered something along the lines of, "Don't mention it..." as he returned to his Latin. Meeks had been staring at the Latin book for a few moments, and then he snapped out of it and asked, "Hey, where's _Nuwanda_?"

Everyone looked up in silence, wanting to say something but looking to Neil apprehensively for the first response. It was no big secret that he and Charlie had been fighting about the article the previous day, as anyone could have heard them arguing when Cameron came into the recreation room complaining about being locked out of his room. He had knocked on the door to be let in, and only heard Neil and Charlie commanding simultaneously for Cameron to come back later. When the boys went to investigate, Neil and Charlie's raised voices could be heard through the door.

"_You still shouldn't have done it without talking to us, Charlie! Do you know what could happen to all of us because you wanted to be _rebellious_?_"

"_Well, what's done is done! And how many times to I have to tell you- my name is NUWANDA!_"

"_Dammit, Charlie! Why the hell don't you try pulling your head out of your ass and thinking of other people for once?!_"

The boys who had been leaning on the door, listening in, fell forward when it snapped open with Neil standing there, surprised and then annoyed. He lightly pushed past the rest of them, including Todd and went across the hall into their room. He slammed to door and everyone turned to stare at Charlie, who had the most intensely frightening look on his face which was enhanced by his unassumingly dark eyes. He stared at the closed door across the hall in suppressed fury, and it was obvious by the tense muscles in his face that he was clenching his teeth beneath his lips which were pursed thin. Todd felt frozen, and there was a moment of silence before Cameron walked into the room in the line of Charlie's death stare.

"Well, now that you two are done bickering like a married couple..." he mumbled as he went for his English textbook on his desk. Charlie's stare was redirected towards Cameron's back, and in one swift motion he grabbed the back of Cameron's sweater and pulled, making him fall right on his rear. Crew had strengthened Todd's arms since the beginning of the season, but Charlie had been doing it for years before him which was evident by the effortless grab and yank that sent Cameron to the floor. Charlie stormed out of the room, and he didn't even have to push through as everyone got out of the way quickly enough. He was already gone down the hallway when Hager came bumbling along.

"Alright, bed. All of you." he barked, and the crowd dissipated. Todd turned back to his room and only heard Hager ask Cameron what he was doing on the floor. As Todd turned to close the door he saw Cameron steading himself up on a desk. Todd waited to hear if he was going to rat on Charlie, but he did not. He simply told Hager that he had dropped his pencil, but Todd knew that Cameron was just waiting for the moment when he could get Charlie expelled with no ties to himself.

The door clicked shut and Todd turned. Neil had turned on his desk lamp and was sitting in the chair, his sneakered feet up on the desk, with his arms crossed and a surly expression. He felt Todd's stare, and without even looking at him he said, "He's so selfish- he'll never stop being like that..."

Todd said nothing but walked forward behind Neil. He wasn't exactly the comforting type, not from a lack of caring but rather a lack of ability, and he did as he had often seen his father do to Jeffrey and seldom to Todd, himself. Todd placed his hand on Neil's shoulder and squeezed it briefly. Neil's shoulder was tight, and he hesitated before placing his hand on Todd's for a moment and then retracting his hand. Todd walked to his bed and changed into his pajamas. Neil sat at his desk still half an hour later, when Hager was heard calling lights out. Todd watched out of one eye as Neil paused and sighed, rubbing his eyes with his fingers before switching off the lamp and extinguishing all light from the room.

Todd had been surprised when Neil crawled into his bed that night, but was not naïve enough to think that it was for anything more than Todd's body heat as he slept.

Now, at breakfast, Neil seemed as emotionless as a piece of rock. He looked around at the guys as soon as he realized that they were staring at him, and he said frankly, "I don't know where he is."

They did not see Charlie for the rest of the morning until the emergency Chapel meeting which was called an hour later. Everyone sat in the pews, afraid of what may go on in the way students often are when they are all called to a meeting- every boy thought that they had done something wrong, when it was only a select few.

"Whoever the guilty persons are," Nolan stood at the podium looming over the students even though he was a short as Keating as he addressed the students, "This is your only chance to avoid expulsion from this school."

When the ringing noise was heard and Charlie stood with the phone in hand, pretending to speak to someone on the other line, Todd watched as Neil's hand clenched on his knee. All the Dead Poets froze in their seats as Charlie looked straight into Nolan's eyes.

"Mr. Nolan, it's for you. It's God!" Charlie was laying it on- Neil should have asked him to try out for 'Midsummer', "He says we should have girls at Welton."

Every Dead Poet groaned inwardly in misery.

"That stupid bastard." Todd and Neil sat in their room with the door open while everyone waited in the hall for Charlie to return, even though Neil would be the only one to approach him after this.

"Has he ever been under the paddle before?" Todd asked, remembering the pain he had endured from it one time in Balincrest for being found outside after hours.

"Charlie? You bet your life," Neil said with a small scoff, "If anyone counted, I'm sure he would break a record for 'most time in Nolan's office. He's been trying to get out of this school for years, but Charlie's never done anything this stupid."

Todd could tell that Neil was worried, and when Spaz poked his head in to tell them that Charlie was coming down the hall, Neil bolted up from his seat and Todd was relieved to not be suspended in Neil's worry, along with his own stress. He stood in the door frame and watched as Charlie gingerly made his way to his room.

"You kicked out?" Neil came close to Charlie.

"No," Charlie replied, but did not face Neil.

"So what happened?" Neil squeezed the frame of the door anxiously, and Todd noticed that his veins were popping out with the stress of it. As for himself, Todd could feel his heart about to beat out of his chest.

"I'm to turn everyone in, apologize to the school, and all will be forgiven." Charlie sniffed, and his voice was choked.

"So what are you going to do?" There was a tantalizing moment of silence wherein everyone stood on edge. Had Charlie Dalton finally been broken? "Charlie!"

"Dammit, Neil!" Charlie turned, and the tears were in his eyes, "The name is Nuwanda."

Charlie smirked in a most painful way and shut the door. Everyone returned to their rooms except Cameron, of course, and Neil turned and walked past Todd back into their dorm. Todd closed the door and leaned against it in relief, and Neil sat on the bed and sighed in a most gratifying way.

"Charlie would never have turned us in." Todd said, knowing this was a safe statement now that the dust had cleared.

"Yeah," Neil agreed absentmindedly with a smile, "Let's just hope that his ass can handle the rest of school, or else we'll be in more trouble than ever."

Todd snickered, holding back a guffaw. Todd's mind had gone to a place where he never thought it would go when Neil spoke about Charlie's ass handling his punishment, and after Neil looked at him, shocked, they both began to laugh.

The windows of Henley Hall were alight in the blue of the oncoming night. It looked warm and welcoming inside to Todd's frozen face and chapped lips, but everyone else was leaving the final dress rehearsal before Opening Night. Winter was on its way, and Todd was chilled to the tips of his hair. As he watched the young actors walking out, Todd searched the small crowd for Neil. He had borrowed Knox's bike after homework, hoping to catch Neil during rehearsal, but he got lost again halfway through the woods.

Neil finally walked out, second-to-last, with the person Todd assumed was the owner of Henley Hall. When he saw Todd walking toward him, bike handles in hand, a smile filled his face. He patted the owner on the shoulder and met Todd halfway.

"I have my own bike, you know." Neil hardly ever greeted someone with 'hello', but his charm exceeded the fact that he always got right down to the point. Todd returned his smile and moved the front wheel back and forth.

"Yeah, I know," he replied, "You really think I would let you share the bike?"

"No, no, no," Neil laughed, "That would just be indecent."

Todd jumped on his bike and waited for Neil. As soon as Neil caught up with him, they sped away into the woods.

-

There was no conversation, and there was no need for it. Todd could feel the happiness pouring out of Neil, and every time he looked over to catch a glimpse of him, Todd found it contagious. With the wind whipping through his hair as the sped through the falling leaves, even in the fading light, Neil looked so undeniably _free_ as Todd had never seen him. For a moment Todd envied him, until the thought was pushed from his brain with little effort. Todd knew that Neil could lift his own chains.

They arrived at the Indian cave, and it was nearly all dark. They had changed the clocks the day before, and both Neil and Todd were still dizzy from the hours. The stone was cold and jagged beneath their hands as they lowered themselves into the cave, and they still said not a word when Todd felt Neil's hands, colder than the rocks, on his face. Though his hands were cold, Neil's lips were still warm from acting, and Todd wanted to cover every inch of them. They broke the kiss with a gasp, and Todd brought his left hand to Neil's shoulder and moved his lips down to his neck, running them over his chilly skin and biting close to his jaw lightly. With his hand on Neil's chest, Todd could feel his heart beating faster and faster and all he wanted was Neil- to assimilate with his happiness.

"Oh God, Todd..." Neil brought his hand to Todd's hair and ran his fingers through it, tugging it hard enough to ache, and it was all Todd could stand. He ripped his own coat off with one swift move and pushed Neil's shirt out of his pants, leaving a trail of kisses and nips against the surprisingly warm skin of Neil's stomach, and he shivered as Todd took in the full vibration of it. Todd himself was breathing rather heavily, and as soon as he could no longer push the fabric of Neil's shirt higher, he brought Neil down and returned to his mouth, running his tongue over Neil's teeth until he reach his tongue. Where were they in the cave? Neil was sitting in the spot where Charlie was usually found, and the cave was almost entirely dark. He tugged on the back of Todd's belt and brought him closer, causing Todd to straddle Neil. He twisted his fingers in Neil's hair, made black by the night, and pulled at it in experimentation. Todd could feel Neil's response. His knee was shoved right between Todd's thigh and was rubbing him, _hard_, and Neil hurriedly removed his coat and shirt as his lips against Todd's turned to fire. There would never be another kiss like this one.

Todd pressed his fingers into Neil's bare shoulders, and he felt his own shirt, which was entirely buttoned, pulled over his head and discarded into the shadows. Neil broke the kiss and removed Todd's belt, and he was suddenly rushing so quickly and filled with need that he fumbled with the buckle. Todd lowered his head and ran his teeth over the nape of Neil's neck, grazing the skin with enough pressure to hurry Neil further along. By the time the belt was off, Todd was already near to thrusting against Neil in an inflamed passion. Their trousers and all other articles of clothing were soon sacrificed to the night, and their cold skin burned together in the premature night.

Both would not escape this encounter without bruises, and the fingernail marks would have to be hidden during the locker room. They no longer needed to quiet themselves in fear of dormmates next room hearing them. Todd groaned in ecstasy and Neil voiced his pleasure with every thrust. They finally collapsed against each other, drained and satisfied, when the moon was already high in the sky.

The boys walked from the cave, disheveled in their damp clothes. Todd seemed always to be walking a bit faster, and was always in front of Neil, who at once grabbed his wrist and spun him into a final kiss, returned with as much passion and longing as it delivered.

"_So much for doing our homework..._" Neil whispered into Todd's lips, as if the whole world could hear them if he had spoken any louder. Neil was nothing but wonderful, and Todd wrapped his arms about him with his head on his shoulder. At this moment, he felt no guilt, only happiness. Neil seemed to understand and embraced him tightly, and all time felt as though it had stopped.

-

When they arrived back to Welton within the hour, Todd and Neil separated. They had discussed on the way that it would be less inconspicuous if they entered in different doorways, so that was done. Todd walked through the warmly lit hall and stared at the red carpet and the yellow walls, his heart aflame with pure joy. Never had he felt like this- was as though nothing could hurt him. After being so damaged, he was finally alive again.

Todd dodged a group of third years rushing past to dinner on his way to the dorm, and just stopped a moment in the recreation room. He felt fit to collapse on the couch, but if he did he knew that he would not get up. Todd covered his face with his hands and smiled so widely that it hurt the muscles on his face that had been long since used. For the first time in so long, he realized as he walked down the hall to his door, everything felt right.

"_I don't care if the world comes to an end tomorrow night. You are through with that play, is that clear? _" Todd heard Mr. Perry's voice and stopped in his tracks, "_Is that clear?!_"

"_Yes, sir._" Neil sounded defeated, and Todd fought the urge to run when he saw Mr. Perry walk through the door and pause, turning around and not yet seeing him.

"I made a great many sacrifices to get you here, Neil. And you will not let me down."

"_No, sir._"

Mr. Perry then turned and saw Todd and stopped to look at him. For one terrifying moment, Todd remembered the 'Twilight Zone' and could have sworn that Mr. Perry knew what they had been doing, for he stood there for a fleeting moment which seemed to last a lifetime. Mr. Perry knew that there was something different about Todd, but when he could not figure it out he cleared his throat and moved past him, placing the hat upon his balding head.

Todd was afraid to see Neil; whenever his father turned up, Neil would not speak for hours, and when he did he was hollow and empty. He braced himself and peeked through the door. Neil turned and saw Todd, who could see the panicked tears in his red eyes.

"I, uh, have to go!" Neil tried to cover his face and pushed past Todd, composing his voice so that only Todd and perhaps Charlie could have possibly known that he was crying.

Todd reached out, longing to follow him and not being able to, because he was a coward and could not even think of what to say or do. He leaned against the door frame- the good feeling was gone.

**--**

_This was the penultimate... brace yourself for the last installment coming soon. _

_(And when you're done bracing yourself, do some bracing for me.)_


	6. Chapter 6

**--**

_Part 6_

There was more light in the room than was usual, and that meant that the moon was full. Todd never really noticed until it shone through the curtain, softly illuminating when Todd turned to looked at the source of the light that was allowing him to see the furniture. It was then that he remembered how the luminescence of the moon and the stars created Neil's silhouette that first night a month ago, and Todd felt a chill run down his spine with for no apparent reason when he pictured the crown of stars which seemed to adorn his head before he had moved out of sight and into the seemingly endless shadows of their dorm room.

Neil had not come back since he left before dinner, after his father had scolded him for being in 'Midsummer' without his permission. Todd cursed himself for not going after him as he lay there in his bed, staring at the ceiling and wishing he could somehow grow himself a backbone. He was afraid that if he had gone after Neil he would have pushed him away or yelled at him, and Todd was more easily hurt by harsh words than anything else. Physical pain just seemed to numb him, surprisingly. His mind drifted to the day before during soccer when he had taken an accidental kick to the face and amazed the rest of the students as he scored a goal with blood pouring down his nose. Luckily, it wasn't broken, but Todd had not noticed the injury until Keating began to make a fuss and Neil was calling a frantic time-out.

Todd could just remember how hurt Neil had looked, and he just wished that he could have held him, spoke to him to try and soothe him. But of course, Todd could never administer that kind of comfort, and Neil would most likely not want to be consoled in such a way. It was no secret that they felt guilty somehow about what they were doing. Todd still blocked it out of his mind whenever he envisioned someone finding out about them, and he could never think of what he would say to his parents as he imagined them sitting in Nolan's office, the smell of his mother's cigarette and his father's expensive cologne mingled forever and brought to mind whenever Todd thought of their tight, hostile faces. Though they had been gentle and understanding during the Balincrest catastrophe, their faces had been masks of embarrassment, not masks of worry or concern for their son and his ordeal. When they finally found out the exact reason Todd had asked to search for other schools by way of an emergency meeting with the headmaster, it was Todd's parents who finally put the search in first priority, knowing that they could never raise their heads among the parents of students their again. Todd's father, it seemed, was the most shamed, as he had not gone to the annual Balincrest Alumni dinner for the first time since the tradition had been started, and was formerly run by Mr. Anderson himself.

The sound of the doorknob turning made Todd start, but he stayed still in his bed. Neil must have had to get past Hager to come back after lights out. Even Hager knew that when Neil told him that he had been on the telephone with his father that it was nothing to pry into too deeply. Neil's footsteps padded across the floor, slowly, as he was trying not to wake Todd, who was listening intently and suddenly afraid to move. Neil stopped at Todd's bed, and Todd knew that Neil was looking at him. He dared to crack open his eyelids, and he beheld Neil's outline in the light and suddenly felt his long, cold fingers upon his warm face. It chilled him, but as usual Todd was comforted by the sensation until Neil drew his hand back quietly, still unaware that Todd was awake. Todd realized then when he felt the moisture on his face that Neil's hands had been wet with water, and he watched as Neil sat upon his own bed in the umbrage, and heard the springs on his bed squeak along with a sniff. Neil had his head in his hands and was crying as silently as he could, having enough masculine dignity to not cry in front of his roommate even though he was thought to be sleeping.

With every muffled sob, Todd's heart cracked. How he wanted to comfort Neil as his mere presence did so for Todd! Neil always tried so hard to mask his pain, always tried to forget it- but could he not see that it was written all over his face? Neil felt as though his ribs would fall apart, his lungs hurt from his suppressed tears. He shook in the dark, thinking that he was alone in his wake, and Todd could not stand it any longer.

"_Neil,_" he whispered, and across from him Neil bolted up and roughly rubbed the tears off of his face.

"Go back to sleep, Todd," he said in an attempt at false consolation, moving around to lay down and face the wall.

"I've been awake this whole time," Todd sat up and Neil instinctively wiped his face again, "What's going on?"

"Nothing, just my father. He-" Neil lowered his voice, remembering where he was with an exasperated sigh, "He just doesn't understand, he _won't _understand. Whenever I bring up acting, it always turns into, 'Neil, don't you know how much your mother and I have sacrificed to get you here?'!"

Neil's impression of his father was surprisingly uncanny, and Todd would have laughed if he didn't see how upset Neil was, "What did he say? Are you still in the play?"

"I _am!_ I only want him would approve of it!" Neil brought his hand to his eyes and held in more tears, "When Keating told me that I had to talk to him about this I knew that it was going to be hard, but Jesus! Not like this... He just gets so angry..."

Todd could vaguely see his face now, as the moon had shifted a bit and was shining in the direction of Neil's bed. He was balancing the heels of his hands on his eyes in frustration, and Todd's need to soothe him was overwhelming. He grabbed Neil's shoulders and drew him against his chest, and Neil's hand's came up from under Todd's arms and grasped at his shoulder blades. Yet Neil still firmly kept a stiff upper lip to the best of his ability and made not one sound as the cold tears slowly moved down his face.

In the back of his mind, Todd wanted to ask Neil why he always went to Keating, and could never ask _him_ for advice. But he thought better of it, knowing somehow that he would be causing a problem with hardly any need. In a warped sense, he also would have felt emasculated for doing so. Keating was something of a mentor to Neil, Todd knew that, but it did not keep him from feeling a bit envious. Yet, here Neil was, pouring himself out to him, and Todd had not the faintest idea where to go from there!

"_He makes me want to leave..._" Neil said through his hands in a drawl of pain which comes only from the inner reaches of the heart when one is most in misery. Todd looked down at this sudden sound, and Neil stared at him, balancing his elbows on his knees, "My own_ father _makes me want to disappear!"

Todd's heart skipped a beat, "Don't say that, Neil."

When Neil began to look down again, Todd moved his hands to Neil's face and gently brought him up, "Please, don't ever say that again!"

Neil's eyes glazed with tears again and he touched Todd's forehead with his own. Todd brought him closer and surprisingly felt his own eyes begin to cloud, "Neil, I know what it feels like, to want to be... just _gone_," Todd whispered so quietly that Neil had to strain his ears to hear him, "It feels like you're nothing, nothing at all. But Neil, that was because I thought nobody cared, and nobody did. But you have people that care about you; your friends, me, Keating! And your parents do care about you, your father _does, _and he's raising you the only way he knows how-"

"Oh, Jesus!" Neil broke free of Todd's embrace, "_Why_ do you always take my father's side?!" he hissed through his teeth, exhausted and upset, "All he does is torture me, and you don't even-"

"Neil!" Todd was tired of this, he wasn't on anyone's side, and Neil knew that, "I just don't want to hear you talk about leaving or disappearing! We are _both_ eaten up inside and broken, and I can't think about you leaving without my heart cracking more and more when I even _imagine_ you being gone! You're the best thing that's happened to me, Neil, and it kills me to love you when all you care about is seizing the day and not thinking about what the future holds!"

"What did you say?" Neil was glaring at him insidiously, but Todd could not see his face.

"I _love_ you, Neil!" The words were flying from Todd's mouth like nothing he had ever known, and he flushed red when he realized that he had just admitted what had been stabbing at the tip of his tongue for a long while, "I know it's wrong, I know you don't love me, but if you don't know that I care for you more than I care for myself, then-"

"You're wrong," the shadows were unstirred.

"What?" Todd peered through the dark, but could not see him until Neil stepped towards him and said, as simply as he said the word, 'no', "You're wrong, Todd."

Both hearts were in a grip that night as their lips touched; Todd's a grip of uncertainty and a foreboding sense of dread, and Neil's the claw of his father's hand, which was slowly closing as his heart raced faster and faster to keep him alive.

Neil brought his mouth to Todd's ear and whispered hotly into it, "_But I just don't know how much longer I can keep playing the dutiful son..._"

There was no more contact, and the boys separated into their own beds. Now, it was Neil's hand which gripped Todd's heart, leaving him in a tense state of apprehension. His pace did not cease to hum in his chest, and he became used to it and fell into a restless sleep, waking the next morning and trying to pretend as if all was well.

-

The day of the performance was loud.

It was the weekend before the final week of the second semester, which meant that everyone was riled up and smashing about in the hallway in the adolescent excitement which can only be held in one's chest for so long. Hager wasn't around during these hours on the weekends, so the boys had free reign of the place, much to the chagrin of those who actually wanted to take advantage of their late sleeping hours, which were given only on the holiday of Welton's anniversary. It was the hundredth anniversary, which would constitute a chapel meeting after lunch. Of course, the founders of the school would not have wanted their students to be idle during _any_ school day, so classes started halfway through the day, leaving time for only the last period. All the more time for the studious young men of the academy to ponder their schoolbooks, of course.

The door did not even have to be open for Charlie's rambunctious voice to wake up Todd from across the hall.

"_Hey Knoxious! Quit beating off to the thought of that she-devil and come and help me with this Latin stuff!_"

"_Shut the hell up Charlie, and do it yourself! And don't call Chris a she-devil!_"

"_I'll help you with it, Charlie..._"

"_No, Meeks! Knox needs to get his mind off this girl! And what the hell is going on with that sweater?!_"

"_Dammit, I'm going to see her now!_"

Todd rolled over and faced the wall, happy at least to see that the curtains were closed. Neil was not in the room, so it was most likely his will to leave them the way they had been the night before.

Todd had been half-asleep when they had spoken, and could not quite remember what Neil had said to him, shamefully. He strained his mind to recall those words, but nothing came, and his ears were bothering him again. He stood and moved to the dresser, bringing out his uniform shirt and a sweater to cover his shirt and tie, not wanting to look entirely like he was about to go to class. It was a 'leisure day', as Charlie would have put it, and as the boy was right beyond the door, Todd didn't think his ears could stand Charlie's New England timbre if he was to emerge in a blazer and tie. He pulled the dark wool sweater over his head, briefly pushing his hair to the side after doing so and emerged from his dark room.

The hallway was full of lounging students who were seemingly unable to walk to the recreation room or any other part of the school after leaving their rooms. Todd saw Meeks across the hall, who was attempting to help a disinterested Charlie with Latin. He could now see why Charlie had scoffed at Meeks' sweater; it was argyle of the school's grey, red and white character, coupled with the school tie. Even Todd had to stifle a laugh. Charlie himself was wearing his grey crew outfit, which was nothing but thermal grey pants and a pullover. His eyes briefly rested on Todd, but he did not speak. Meeks then noticed him and beckoned him inside with a warm smile that was entirely characteristic of Meeks.

"Ready for the play tonight, Todd?" he asked as Todd sat on Cameron's bed, which was crisply made in contrast to Charlie's mess of blankets and pillows.

"Yeah, it should be good." Todd was genuinely excited about seeing Neil as Puck. He had read 'A Midsummer Night's Dream' whilst in Balincrest, and had secretly adored it, pretending that he was Puck whenever he was alone. It seemed pathetic to him now, but remembered enjoying it much in his eighth year of school.

"Have you seen Neil?" Todd asked the two young men.

Charlie continued to be reticent, but Meeks responded, "I'm pretty sure he's in the cave," he spoke while writing something on Charlie's notebook, "You know how he likes to practice there, where he can climb around on the rocks. He left pretty early this morning- I'm usually the only one up at that time."

"Do you think they'll cancel the afternoon classes?" Charlie asked the air suddenly.

"Probably," Meeks replied, looking back towards him and adding through a stretching yawn, "They cancelled them last year, and the year before..."

"Good!" Charlie suddenly exclaimed, bolting up and looking at Todd, then Meeks, "I need to find some red paint!"

He stalked out of the room past Todd, his sneakers heard down the hall as Todd looked at Meeks, who reflected the same slightly confused look.

"We should be used to him by now," he said, standing and sliding past Todd to go into his own room next door, "Doing anything right now?"

"No," Todd answered staring into Meeks' slightly helter-skelter room, "What did you have in mind?"

Meeks shut the wardrobe door after pulling out his coat, "A walk around, just in case they decide to have afternoon classes?"

There was a hint of the devil in his voice, something which one would not assume of Meeks by only looking at him. Charlie had rubbed off on him, or perhaps the entire Dead Poets group had done so. Todd had only just met Meeks, in the whole scheme of things, but was more than willing to make sure they would 'assume' the absence of classes that afternoon, even if they were still on.

-

Moments after Todd had stepped outside into the fresh snow, his ears began to hurt, and he wished that he still had those earmuffs. Though the sun was shining brightly, it was quite cold. There were some boys playing on the field, pushing each other into the snow, and Meeks and Todd both dodged a nearby snowball fight. They stopped at the bike rack, and noticed that Knox's bicycle was gone.

"Poor guy," Meeks said, "I'm happy for him, but Knox can be really impulsive sometimes. I just hope that he doesn't embarrass himself."

"Maybe he knows what he's doing, he just doesn't know it yet, " Todd replied, basically just talking to himself.

Meeks turned and looked at him as if he were trying to solve a calculus problem, making Todd feel uneasy until Meeks said, "That was really deep, Todd. Maybe Keating was right about the poet in you."

Todd didn't know quite what to say to that, and he followed Meeks, who had turned to walk towards the woods. The snow that covered the fallen leaves crunched beneath their feet, but there were still many leaves left on the branches of the old trees around them. Meeks took quick, long strides, contrary to the fact that he was not as tall as most of the Dead Poets- including Todd. Yet Meeks always managed to stay a few steps ahead of him.

"You're not planning on walking to the cave, are you?" Todd asked, instantly feeling the chill of the cold air in his mouth.

"I wasn't sure," Meeks turned, "What do you think?"

Meeks' face was more flushed than usual, and he truly looked as though he was going to hit the snow and faint. Todd had to suppress a laugh, and hated himself for wanting to laugh in the first place.

"It's a really long walk," Todd said, doing his best to sound pained.

"Well, what do you suggest we do?"

Todd let out a large puff of breath which turned white in the freezing air and flopped his hands against his sides. He looked down and noticed that the snow was not quite deep, and walked to a lightly dusted rock beside him, wiped it off with a bare hand and sat down, looking at Meeks expectedly. Meeks sighed and sat down beside him, and they looked out over the soccer field, which seemed to be nothing but a lake of white, sparkling prettily in the sun. Somehow, none of the students had yet found their way down and the landscape was spectacularly pristine without boys' footprints. They sat in silence for a moment, lost in their own thoughts. The snow reminded Todd of when he was younger and would have taken a toboggan to the small hill down into the field. Even now he had to remind himself that he was too old to slide down the icy slope on his stomach like the penguins he so admired. Todd would never admit to anyone that he had wanted to be a penguin when he grew up for a good part of his childhood until he found out that it was wholly impossible. No one would ever knew how hurt he was, yet now he laughed quietly at the thought of it.

"What is it?" Meeks asked, laughing a bit himself because he found all laughter contagious.

Todd merely shook his head and changed the subject, "So, how long have you known Neil?"

"Wow," Meeks said, raising his eyebrows as though he had never thought about it before, "Longer than anyone else at this school. I think we're the only two out of the Dead Poets who have been here for the full six out of eight years."

Todd regarded him for a moment before asking the question which had been itching at him for a while now, "Has his father always, you know, been like that?"

"Like a raging tyrant?" Meeks' words of unfounded bitterness seemed to bite the tail off of Todd's question as he pulled his own glasses off his face as if in annoyance, though actually to get rid of the sun's glare. Todd paused and studied Meeks' face- his eyes were much smaller than the glasses magnified them to be, yet they were full of an emotion which Todd could not recognize.

"Well, yeah-"

"Yes, he's always been like that."

Meeks was suddenly curt, and Todd wanted to know why. This reaction only peaked his interest, and he was about to question him further when Meeks looked at him with his unfamiliar eyes and squinted, saying, "Mr. Perry has always had a grip over Neil. I'm surprised he even allowed Neil to continue with the play after... after he found out about it. You see, ever since we came into Welton, Neil had wanted to try something like this, but... There was just 'not enough time', according to Mr. Perry.

"I just remember, there were times when we couldn't even talk to him. After seeing or talking with his father, Neil just withdrew himself. But, of course, the school _never _interjected. When Neil came home with, with _bruises_ they turned a blind eye, even when Neil just stopped talking for a month!"

Todd felt a hurt deep in his chest; he could tell by the anger in his voice and his distorted expressions that this was something Meeks had been keeping in, but had probably ranted to a few of the guys before.

"Neil has just _always _been so full of life, we all look up to him for that, and every time he sees his father it's like it all just gets sucked out of him..." Meeks pushed his glasses back on and looked over his shoulder away from Todd, "I don't know. Maybe it _will _be good for Neil to go to Harvard, then he can be as far away from Mr. Perry as he can."

Hearing no reply after a few moments, Meeks turned and peered at Todd. The shock he was feeling must have read through on his face, because Meeks reached over and grasped his shoulder comfortingly, "Sorry about that," he said, back to his normal self, "It's a touchy subject for me, even though it's really none of my business."

"It's okay," Todd said, trying to relax his facial muscles to not look so upset, as he knew his face could become.

"You really like Neil, don't you?" Meeks asked, making Todd sharply look up at him, "It's interesting. He seems to like you too, and you've only known each other for, what, four months?"

"Y-yeah," Todd stuttered, standing and suddenly feeling less comfortable, "I guess just being roommates, you get to know each other."

"Yeah, that might have something to do with it," Meeks replied passively, "Maybe you knew each other in a past life."

"In a what?" Todd turned around. Meeks was looking over the field again.

"A past life, you know, reincarnation and all that. Like in 'Siddhartha'," Meeks stood and dusted off the bottom half of his coat, "If you believe in that sort of thing."

A cloud that had passed over the sun lifted, and the light reflected off of the snow and briefly blinded Todd. When he opened his eyes, Meeks was already yards away.

-

"Hey, this girl isn't as bad as I thought she would be!" Charlie was basically falling over the passenger seat in Mr. Keating's car as the boys drove away from the school, his feet just inches away from the windshield, "Good job, Knoxious!"

"Yeah, a blonde even!" Meeks said in appreciation.

"Hey Charlie! If you didn't want to sit in the front you could have told us!" Todd said playfully, pushing him out of the way so he could get a better look at Chris. Suddenly Charlie was pulled backward by his feet.

"Mr. Dalton, though I appreciate you're trying to ogle your friend's lady friend," Keating said in his usual benevolently calm tone, "_I_ would appreciate it if you did not put your feet through my windshield."

All the boys laughed, even Charlie, whose red 'Virility' lightning bolt was already seeping through his white shirt. It was snowing off and on as they drove, though it didn't make the inside of the car any colder. With Charlie and Keating in the front, that left Meeks, Pitts, Todd and Cameron to squeeze into the pack seat. It was quite a feat that they all even fit, considering the fact that Pitts really could have taken up half of the seating if there were not so many of them. Luckily, Keating's short legs allowed for able room for Pitts' abnormally long ones.

"Thank God Knox decided to walk," He said ruefully, trying to move himself so that he was not entirely crushing Cameron, whose horse-brushed hair was long since flattened.

"Ha! Not like it matters!" Charlie said, stretching out in the front, lounging with his arms behind his head.

A chorus of "Shut up, Dalton!" was heard from the backseat.

"Snowy shoes off the dashboard, please."

"Yes, Captain."

Todd sat in the back, thrilled to death and so excited to be seeing Neil's play. The last few days had been tough, but they were all full of energy for the coming vacation, and things were sure to start to look up after the whole ordeal was over.

He thought back to that afternoon; Neil had needed to run back to the dormitory to retrieve something that he had forgotten when he left for extra practice that morning. Todd could read the evident panic on his face, Neil was shaken to the bone. It was a mixture of the after-effects and the impending performance, Todd concluded.

Todd had been reading with his legs up on the bed when Neil entered with his coat and scarf still on, and while Neil thrashed around looking for his lost item, he did not look at Todd once. Todd tried to ignore him, feeling as awkward to speak with Neil as he did the first day they met. He kept his eyes on the pages of the book, unable to read the words with his anxiety though he knew that Neil would not spare him a glance.

"Have you seen my glasses anywhere?" Neil finally said, his voice a medley of exasperation and worry. Todd looked up from his book and saw that Neil was staring at his bed, intentionally failing to meet Todd's gaze. Todd leaned slightly back and looked behind the radiator. He reached forward and pulled out Neil's thickly framed glasses, which were nothing but a bit dusty and hot. Neil took them with a trembling hand as Todd passed them to him without a word. Todd sat back on his bed and returned to the pages which were still nothing but letters in lines.

"What I said last night," Neil spoke abruptly, and his normal fluency did not don his speech, "I really did mean it, Todd. I- I don't know what this is between us, but-"

"Wait." Todd shut his book a little too loudly and bounced off his bed, closing the door in case there were any stray passers-by who were not taking advantage of what had been turned into a temporary holiday at Welton. With his hand still on the doorknob, Todd turned and looked at Neil, not knowing quite what to feel at this point.

"I was fighting it... I suppose because I didn't know what was going on with me." His hands shook as he spoke, "And... and that's it. You know what I feel now. But I have to go."

Neil moved towards Todd, whose hand was still tightly gripped on the doorknob, his eyes the only keys to his elation. Neil went for the doorknob, but Todd pulled him in. They did not kiss, but just looked into each other's eyes for one moment that seemed to last a lifetime.

Now, as Todd watched Neil in the guise of Puck walk across the stage, joyously speaking the lines which Todd and the rest of the Dead Poets helped him to memorize. All of the Dead Poets that night, including Keating, felt that somehow in their hearts, they had contributed to this. It was the new and improved Neil Perry whom ensnared the audience, taking their imaginations and running with them to the very end of the play.

And this invention would run with them until the very ends of their lives.

-

"You know, my dad used to tell me stories about the war," Cameron was always the first to break uncomfortable silences, and the hushed ride back to Welton had been no exception, "While he was imprisoned by the enemy, he always saw the men walking out to be shot. He said that the looks on their faces were indescribable. But after seeing Neil's face just now, I can understand what he was talking about."

"Oh my God!" Charlie, who had been brooding silently in the front, narrowed his eyes and glared with searing rage into the rearview mirror, "How can you even compare the two- Christ! And you tell _me _to keep _my_ mouth shut?!"

"I think it's a fair assumption!" Cameron shot back, equaling Charlie's volume and anger.

"Please, gentlemen..." Everyone's attention turned to Keating, who had been so quiet through the entire ride that as soon as Charlie and Cameron started arguing there was hardly any attention payed to the driver until he spoke in a voice that sounded painfully constricted by worry, "No shouting in the car."

Keating's was always the voice of finality. Charlie slumped back in his seat, and Cameron settled as much as he could while being squeezed between Meeks and Todd.

Unlike the playful mood previously experienced, the car ride back was hushed and uncomfortable. As the boys got out of the car and thanked the Captain, Meeks, Pitts and Todd made sure to stay in between Charlie and Cameron until they reached the dormitory rooms. Though they would probably argue a bit more when they got inside, the other boys knew that Charlie and Cameron would not get very far with Hager sleeping right down the hall. The worst they knew could happen was that Neil would be transferred to a different school, a threat which had always been held over his head by Mr. Perry. But, if getting caught with Charlie setting off fireworks in the courtyard when they were eleven did not get him transferred, then it stood to reason that nothing else would. Still, if they were going to lose Neil, it would be travesty to lose Charlie on the very same night to some other school. Cameron was... expendable.

-

Before he flopped onto his dormitory bed, falling asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow, Todd saw Neil's face in the back window of Mr. Perry's car flash before his eyes. Cameron had been right; Todd had never seen such an expression on Neil's face before. He tried to block it out of his mind, and once his exhaustion had finally caught up with him, Todd drifted into restless sleep.

It was morning; not light enough to be day, but enough could be seen in Todd's room that he knew that it was no longer night. His eyes slowly opened, looking upon Neil's empty bed and then feeling weight upon his feet. To Todd's surprise, Neil was sitting at the foot of the bed, looking upon him with those large, sad brown eyes, which somehow seemed deeper than they ever had before. Todd gave a start and pushed himself up on his elbows, looking at his friend whose melancholy smile could only mean bad news.

"Neil?" Todd found his own voice to be unfamiliar, as if he had been hearing it from outside his head, "What's going on? What's happened?"

Todd suddenly noticed that Neil was wearing his Puck crown. He was also wearing his winter coat and trousers, but he did not have a shirt, socks, or shoes.

Neil did not answer Todd, but just kept staring at him, his smile growing a tiny bit warmer. While he sat there in silence, Todd's patience quickly wore out.

"Neil, why don't you say something?!" his own unfamiliar voice was one of panic, which Todd would have thought quite dramatic in normal circumstances, but now had no cares for the students sleeping behind the cork board walls whom may hear his voice, "Neil! Say something, please!"

Neil silently moved forward, seemingly too quick for Todd as he jumped as he placed his hands on Todd's face. They were not the usual cold, but warm and soft. Neil's breathing on Todd's ears was calm and even, nothing like Neil's breathing ever was.

They stayed there until Neil drew in one deep breath and spoke in a whisper that was so small it could have been mistaken for a exhalation, "_Goodbye, Todd._"

"Todd?"

Neil was gone and Charlie's voice filled his head, "Todd?" He repeated.

_No, I don't want to wake up from this. _

"Oh, Charlie..." Todd rolled over and glanced at Charlie, who had often woken him for ridiculous reasons such as he needed a pair of socks or he had shrunken his shirts by accident. But the playful face so common to Charlie was not there today. His eyes were red and puffy, and his face was wet with tears.

"What is it?" Todd asked, hoisting himself up and looking around the room at Pitts, Knox and Meeks, whose faces were as moist as Charlie's.

"Neil's dead." Charlie said, in more of a stifled sob than in a statement.

A silent scream ran throughout Todd's body, and he stood to put on his coat and shoes. It was snowing outside.

-

The day of the funeral, the sky was grey with the sun's vain attempts of penetrating the clouds. The boys met in Todd's dorm room before leaving to Neil's house, all dressed in their school uniforms as they were black anyway, and designed to be formal enough for any occasion. Charlie was the only boy who did not wear the Welton colors, as he had been expelled a few days before, but Meeks had been able to sneak him in from the back. The boys sat in the room in their usual spots, Charlie and Meeks on the bed, Todd at his desk, Knox to the side out of people's vision. Pitts had to return home after vacation had began, despite his well-heard protests to his parents on the telephone two nights before. Though Pitts hardly spoke, he was not a person with which to argue in fear of his bellowing roars, which Meeks could swear would have broken the receiver if he did not lower his tone.

Silence was heavy in the air. Cameron was not with them; Charlie said that he had not come back to their room the night after Neil's death and before his expulsion, and he did not sound happy, as he would have been if Cameron just decided to leave, but angry as if to hint at the fact that Cameron had better not show his face again.

"He probably won't even come," Charlie said, looking down at his nails absentmindedly. Again, his stoic voice was somehow full of danger.

The rest of the boys said nothing.

-

Neil's coffin was closed when they entered the Perry's parlor. The four boys stood around it and did not care if anyone saw them crying. They could not speak to one another, communicating only with glances and otherwise not at all. People passed by them, looking at the box which now held their best friend, their leader, their own Captain.

There was one break in their meditation when the three other Dead Poets saw that Charlie was staring out the window as if someone was raping his mother. Soon, they all saw what he was glaring at. Cameron was walking up the drive, hands in his pockets, his head down. Charlie walked to the front door, and right when Cameron was about to knock he opened it. Cameron's fist was raised as though to rap his knuckles on the door, but when he saw Charlie's face, he froze. Cameron's nose was swollen, and Charlie's fist itched for another swing. Instead, he looked Cameron right in the eyes and shook his head in a slow and poisonous way, never breaking eye contact with this rat fink.

"N-now, look," Cameron finally said, his voice trembling with fear and his hand flying up to his nose, "Neil was my friend, too, and I think I have the right-"

"You have no right!" Todd shouted, quiet enough to not disturb the ceremony but loud enough for Cameron to fully understand, appearing at Charlie's side with Knox and Meeks behind him, "You lost your right to coming here, to seeing us, to _speaking_ to us when you turned in Keating!"

"Keating was the one who made Neil kill himself, by filling his head with these stupid ideas!" Cameron countered with one eye on Charlie, waiting for a punch which Charlie had already balled up in a fist.

"No, Cameron," Todd said, his emotions overcoming his inexperience in talking to other people in this way, and he steadied Charlie's hand, "It was people like you who killed Neil."

With that, he shut the door in Cameron's face. They moved back to the coffin, and saw that the room had cleared.

"Boys," Nolan poked his head into the parlor from outside, shooting a distasteful look at Charlie and then returning to the three boys whom were still his students, "Mr. Perry asks if you four will bring the coffin out."

He left, and the room was empty again. The boys looked around at each other, and then at the coffin.

"Should we do it?" Meeks said, looking at the polished lid.

"I'll regret it forever if we don't." Knox replied, biting back his tears.

They all tentatively moved their hands to the lid and placed their fingers on it. It was difficult to open, but soon it swung up, and Todd's heart shattered. Suddenly, it was all true. There lay his friend, his love, sleeping in pale skin. The intense and back-breaking grief gripped him then as it had that morning, when he had screamed Neil's name to the heavens in that beautiful snow, which was as white as Neil's skin was now. The boys saw why the coffin had been closed; a large bullet wound on the side of his head, making it so it was almost impossible for the embalmer to shut his eye.

Charlie breathed in sharply and covered his hand with his eyes and Meeks wrapped his arm around his friend's shoulder as they both wept. Knox had turned away and was crying silently into his fist as he leaned against a wall. Todd had to leave the room, if only for a moment. He found himself, suddenly, in Neil's room. Todd had never been in there before, and was surprised to think that he had never imagined it.

On Neil's bed sat the Puck crown, its red berries maliciously gleaming like blood on the sticks. Without thinking, Todd snatched the crown off of Neil's bed and ran downstairs to where Meeks and Charlie had collapsed to the floor. Knox was still against the wall.

Todd looked down at Neil, who had the same serene look on his face as he had every night he had slept next to him. But it was not Neil- Neil was gone, and this boy with a bullet hole in his head was not him! Todd took the crown and carefully placed it on Neil's head. The hole was covered. It was Neil again, who slept in this satin-lined box. They boys stared, and they saw their friend once more, as if he had just gotten off the stage and had fallen asleep in part of his costume the night before. After a moment that seemed like an eternity, they closed the lid.

The boys all carried out the coffin. As they passed Mr. and Mrs. Perry, Todd saw that Mr. Perry was cradling his wife in his arms while he spoke to none other than Mr. Keating. Mr. Perry must have said something truly terrible to him, because Keating lowered his eyes and did not follow the precession.

Todd did not look back at Keating as they walked the block and one half to the cemetery. And when that coffin was lowered into the ground, the boys looked to their right and saw Welton in the distance, the snow encasing everything in white.

-

The television hummed with the faraway sound of space, and though Todd could hear words, he did not know what they meant.

He sat on the chair with his legs extended, halfway between sleep and consciousness, and watched the screen. The black and white television was the only light in the room and that was the way Todd wished it to be. The house was his inheritance, and as Jeffrey had his own prospects, Todd had been given full entitlement to the Anderson Estate. He had never worked, and would never have to do so, thanks to dear old Grandad Anderson, much good may it do to his grandson.

Todd watched the screen, his brain addled with alcohol as he watched with drifting eyes. Was this CBS, or NBC? It had to be NBC, because 'I Dream of Jeannie' was on, and Todd remembered why he had roused himself from his bed to watch the television.

Todd liked this show because nothing went wrong, everything was perfect, always. He wondered if Neil could have been in this show- if he could have played Major Nelson. He could have done it, Todd could see him there, in the television. A tiny black and white version of Neil staring out at him, and then talking to Jeannie as the show intended.

'Five Centuries of Verse' sat on his lap. It had been fifteen years since that day. Charlie had been sent to some school in Connecticut. From what Todd had heard and read in magazines, hid old friend had now established the greatest bank in Boston and throughout America. Cameron transferred after that vacation; no one had heard from him again. When he came back during the new year, things changed. Himself, Knox, Meeks and Pitts still spoke during class, but by the end of their Welton career the boys did not know one another. Todd knew that Pitts had ended up getting into Yale, and Meeks into MIT. Knox stayed home and became a lawyer for his father's firm, marrying Chris right out of school and staying in Welton. From what Todd had heard, they had bought Neil's old home when the Perrys passed away. The door to the study, he assumed, would always stay locked.

Todd had never needed to go to university, as his inheritance could provide for him and for the next three generations of his family, but it did not look like that was going to happen any time soon.

His second wife had just left him a few months ago. She had always said to him that she did not feel appreciated, that Todd was never in the room with her but seemed to be somewhere else. This would have made sense to Todd, if he could have heard her. Todd's cold ears had turned into an infection a few years past, and now he was all but deaf. But even if he could have heard her, Todd knew that she was right. He could not help his mind from drifting back to that winter, and Neil, ever youthful, was constantly in his thoughts. No woman could have compared to him, though Todd's first wife had come close. Though she could not cope with the baby's death, and she left in a fashion which had all too common in Todd's life. Baby Neil could have never known what playing in a puddle would do to his mother.

He stood and sifted through the mail the maid had left on his table in the one room of the mansion which he occupied most of the time. There was an envelope from Welton. Apparently, it was time for an Alumni gathering from the class of 1961. Todd looked in the mirror which hung above the table, and noticed with some glee that he had not aged in the light of the black and white television. It made sense, as he hardly left the house or went outside. In the mirror, he saw himself as pale, and soon a wreath of twigs and berries adorned his head.

Todd looked down at the letter, stuffed it in his pocket, noting that the date was in two days. He moved to his closet, 'Five Centuries of Verse' in hand, and pulled out his Welton tie from a shabby box.

It was only a four hour flight, and Todd thought he could use some travel. He turned off the television, opened the curtain and the window, and breathed in the air. It was snowing, but the light of the full moon shone through the clouds. He looked down into the garden frozen in its sleep and waiting for spring.

The snow ceased to fall, and the stars danced round the moon as the earth turned. Todd felt his face, cold with the wind, and imagined Neil's ghostly hands below his own. He breathed in and let the air freeze his lungs.

"_Goodbye, Neil_." He whispered into the night.

The End

**--**


End file.
